A new perspective on Christmas

I'd like to share something that I've learned the hard way this week about Christmas. Two days ago I lost my best friend. She didn't die, she just dumped me for the mistakes I've made that I didn't know I made because she never told me. Part of me died inside. To be cast aside for my imperfection and destroy a friendship that's lasted more than a third of my life is one of the biggest heart breaks in my life. And it's even worse right before Christmas. 

That's when I learned a hard lesson about Christmas. Most of us agree that Christmas is not about the commercial side. Most people agree that it's about friends and family, blessings and showing gratitude through gifts from the heart and most importantly the birth of Christ. But, for the first time in my life I did not exchange gifts with my best friend. And for the first time I did not have a best girl friend. 

Somehow losing that has altered the way I feel about Christmas. Having gift giving and my bf (and possibly several things I can no longer be thankful for) stripped away has left me with two things: my family and Christ. 

My family isn't perfect and they can bug the crap out of me or even hurt my feelings. And I am the same. But at the end of the day they still love me even with all my imperfections and my annoyances. This Christmas my family had fewer gifts and so we spent a lot more time with just being together. I've felt closer to my family this Christmas than ever before.

And I've felt closer to Christ. Knowing how perfect Christ is just wells me up with tears, because he still loves me even with my imperfections that have been dragged out and raked over hot coals. I don't think I have ever felt the Savior's love more than I have this Christmas. To know that when others have completely left me stripped and bare and lonely and to still know that the Savior still loves me and died for me because he loved me so much is by far the greatest gift I have ever received and will ever receive.

Yes giving gifts and baking cookies and being all Christmassy is nice and can lift your spirits, but it's nothing compared to the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas, because God gave his only begotten Son for us, so that He could die for us and in one perspective of many- so He could say to God on that Day, "I know thee."

Play date in the leaves

When all my mother friends get together for a play date outside, I bring the bunny. This afternoon we got together to play in the leaves, and when there are dried, crumbly, crunchy leaves to be played in Myla is so there! She LOVES dried leaves. They are her favorite snack and she loves digging in them and nesting in them.

Myla is always a big hit with the kids, so I let Myla off her leash and she, with her posse, played in the leaves and ran around. Myla didn't even try to run away. I'd attribute that to great training, but I think it has more to do with her being a sociable animal. She likes the kids, even when they get a little rough when playing with her. Over all the kids loved it, Myla loved it, we all loved it!

Learning from a rabbit

I have this kind of rule in life: if it breaks I get to get rid of it. This rule works pretty well on just about anything that I own from frames to ornaments, electronics to vases. There are a couple exceptions if it breaks and it's really sentimental then we'll keep it and try to fix it. Which is why I let Alex keep a stone plaque from one of the temples he visited when he was younger. And if it gets ruined but is still usable, we'll keep it. This last exception is one that Alex and I have had to work on with our bunny, Myla.

Myla is honestly the perfect pet for us except she chews on everything! Excluding for our tv stand, which is weird, it may be because we have that blocked off or because it's black and doesn't look like wood, a blessing in disguise either way! Myla has chewed on everything from pillows, cords, plastic buttons, furniture wood and fabric, my easel, our toes and blankets. I even caught her yesterday trying to eat this little plastic Halloween parachute toy that Alex got from school. 

Some of Myla's first handy work.

You would think that we'd get very aggravated at her and get rid of her or at least keep her in her cage! We do sometimes get mad at her, like the time I had just finished crocheting my granny square afghan that I was very proud of because I had finally made something personal for me and then within two days little Myla had chewed right through the stitches. I was livid! Mostly because I had just finished it and really hadn't even "broken it in" before she got to it and because she somehow got it off the back of the couch which is usually a safe area (that's where we hide our cords).

Sad day when this happened, but  it's fixable!

I then put her in timeout in her cage. If any of you know anything about training birds putting them in their cage after they've been bad is a bad idea because they'll just be bad to get back in the cage where they'd rather be than playing with you. So why would I put my bunny in her cage when she's been bad? If you know anything about rabbits they don't respond to emotional situations like dogs and parrots might, so when they've been bad they don't associate being punished with what they did- and in the case of Myla chewing everything, she's not doing anything wrong, she naturally has to chew things to keep her teeth trimmed. And most of the time Alex and I understand this, even when she chewed through three of my sister in law's computer cords (she was not as understanding). So we don't put her in her cage because we're punishing her, we put her in her cage to get a break from finding newly chewed things!

This one's kind of funny- This tag was on my bag for eight years and
was almost in perfect condition until Myla got a hold of it!

Yup. She's chewed through two of these gates!
Guess we'll have to invest in a metal gate next time!

Myla is part of our family even though she's a rabbit. She's like a family dog (who has the attitude of a cat and the personality of a puppy), so we put up with her misdemeanors and her quirks because we love her. I like to think that God brought her in our lives to prepare us for kids! If I've learned anything from having a rabbit it is simply not to be worldly of our possessions because they aren't going to last forever and when I have kids loving them is much more important than getting upset over something that's broken or ruined. And last but not least- if you don't want it ruined, broken, ripped, chewed on or otherwise destroyed you'd better hide it!

Myla's handy work from last night. At this point this is like
taking pictures of a child's scribbles on the wall!

Spiritual Survival

Sometimes we find ourselves at a low point in our lives whether it be spiritually or temporally where we feel stranded and alone. Our hearts hurt, our bodies are weakened, our spirit is broken. There's a point where we feel like we need to be rescued. On Sunday I had the opportunity to teach the Relief Society lesson. I'm not big on teaching because it racks my nerves like crazy, but this week I was excited to teach the lesson because I discovered a way to spiritually survive in the wild of our time and be rescued from the lowest depths of darkness. 

It all started when Alex and I started watching "Man, Woman, Wild", a show about a husband and wife surviving in situations where they're stranded. The husband, Myke, an ex special ops, has an incredible amount of knowledge and stresses eight fundamentals to surviving in the wild: survey terrain, supplies, water, shelter, fire, food, moral, and rescue. These eight fundamentals that Myke always brings up in every episode not only apply when you're stranded in the wild, but also apply to our spiritual survival.

Below I have expanded on the eight fundamentals and how they can help us spiritually survive during the dark times. I have listed examples under each category, I didn't list every example there is and several work in more than one category. If you think there should be something on this list that's not let me know and I'll add it.

Survey Terrain

When stranded in the wild the first thing you have to do is survey your terrain, ex. you're stranded on an island with tall cliffs and very little beach.

We can also do this on a spiritual and temporal basis in our own lives. Here's a list of things that I thought of that you might assess in your life when you feel "stranded". This isn't a complete list obviously because everyone's situations are different. 

Loneliness

Spiritual stagnation

Depression

Bad influences

Offended

Loss of testimony

Stress

Lack of knowledge

Sickness

New or loss of job

Death 

Once you've identified your situation you're on your first step to being spiritually rescued.

Supplies

When trying to spiritually survive you need to account for all the supplies you have. As members of the church we are given lots of supplies for our spiritual benefit. These supplies will be used throughout the entire time you are stranded. Here's a list of the supplies that will help you:

Scriptures
Ensign/Words of the apostles

Prayer

Going to church

Bishop

Missionaries

VT/HT

Other members

Family
Friends

The temple

The Holy Ghost

Repentance

Water

Finding water is always your first priority after you've assessed your situation and what you have to help you. Water is essential for any living thing's survival. Likewise spiritual water is a basic essential for our souls. A few things that could represent water for our souls:

Faith

Testimony

Gospel
Atonement
Sacrament
Baptism

Shelter

Shelter can come in physical form or spiritual, but for this purpose the list below is purely physical. They keep us not only out of temporal storms but can shelter us from spiritual storms that can plague our lives.

Church

Temple

Home
Another member's/friend's home

Fire

A fire keeps our physical bodies warm, lights up the dark, keeps predators at bay and keeps us going. A fire in our souls, like a physical fire, keeps us warm, keeps the dark out, keeps enemies at bay and gives us the courage to keep going. Our spiritual fire is by far the most personal things in these lists. These are some personal spiritual fires you might have:

Returning to Heavenly Father

My family*

My physical or mental health

My friend's testimonies

The Holy Ghost

My Agency*

Service

Agency

No principle in time or eternity is so cherished as the right of agency, the right to consider alternatives and make choices without compulsion. A war was waged in heaven over our agency—a war that was transferred to earth. Satan is determined to blind, bind, and lead captive through ignorance and sin everyone he can. Understanding our agency is imperative for our spiritual survival and fulfillment in Christ.

Chapter 11: The Agency of Man Doctrines of the Gospel Student Manual, (2000), 30–31

Family

It is good to be home again after a separation of 17 months from myfamily during two tours of military duty in Southeast Asia.

While I was away I came to realize what an important role my family plays in the development of my soul. Only with them could I ever “endure all things,” since a prolonged solitary life soon strips away motivation and enthusiasm. While alone, the tendency is to turn increasingly inward, to give undue attention to your own needs. This trend leads to spiritual “bad health.” Family life is just the opposite. The love and concern of family members is conducive to good spiritual health, and you learn to turn outward as you give attention to the needs of others. I soon learned that “it is not good that man should be alone.” (Gen. 2:18.)

But of all I endured during the war, it was loneliness that got me down the most. Loneliness cankers the soul in its own way. When we are with those we love, we govern our conduct to please them as well as ourselves. When we are alone, that external stimulus is removed, and with it goes much of our drive.

BY STEVEN L. ORTON Spiritual Survival in Southeast Asia June 1974 Ensign

Food

Physical food is as important as spiritual food. It can make or break your temporal situation and in return affect your spiritual situation. Once your body has been fed you can focus on feeding your spirit.

Reading your scriptures*

Saying your prayers

Listening to conference talks

Inviting VT/HT into home

Family Home Evening

Church callings

Promptings from the Spirit

Physically taking care of your body

Repentance*

Atonement

Reading your scriptures

The scriptures should be of the greatest importance in our lives. Ourspiritual survival during the stresses of our society and the temptations of our time is greatly dependent upon the strength that we will receive from searching the scriptures and listening to the words of the prophets, seers, and revelators.

People as well as nations perish without scriptures. The scriptures are spiritual food for our spirit, which is just as important as physical food for our body. It was so important for Lehi to have the scriptures and records which were engraven on the brass plates that the Lord commanded Nephi to slay Laban in order to obtain them. The Lord knew of their importance for the spiritual nourishment of Lehi and his descendants. He explained: “It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief.” (1 Ne. 4:13.)

Search the Scriptures LIONEL KENDRICK April 1993 General Conference

Repentance

To help youth survive, President Packer suggested several items.

“First on your ‘to do’ list, put the word prayer,” he said. “Most of the time, your prayers will be silent. You can think a prayer. … Do not allow the adversary to convince you that no one is listening on the other end. Your prayers are always heard. You are never alone!”

Next, President Packer said, take care of your body. Be clean. Follow the Word of Wisdom. “Stay away from tattoos and similar things which deface your body. Do not do that which would dishonor yourself, your parents, or your Father in Heaven. Your body was created in His image.”

He continued, “Add, ‘repent often’ to your list of things to do. This will bring you lasting peace that cannot be purchased at any earthly price. Understanding the Atonement may be the one most important truth that you can learn in your youth.

“You have been taught at home and in seminary about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement is like an eraser. It can wipe away guilt and the effect of whatever it is that is causing you to feel guilty. Guilt is spiritual pain. Do not suffer from chronic pain.

“There are other things we could add to the list, but you know what you should and should not be doing in your life. You know right and wrong and do not need to be commanded in all things,” President Packer said.

-How to Survive in Enemy Territory  by President Boyd K. Packer at the Seminary Centennial Broadcast.

Morale

When surviving in the wild, morale is so important it can determine whether you  live to be rescued or die.  Spiritual morale is no different. Part of that morale can come from your personal cheerleaders or from the small triumphs you make each day. Here are a few morale boosters:

Family

Holy Ghost*

Family History*

Progress

Holy Ghost

“You have been taught all of your lives about the gift of the Holy Ghost, but teaching can only go so far,” he said. “You can and, in fact, you must go the rest of the way alone to discover within yourself how the Holy Ghost can be a guiding and protective influence.”

Learning how the Holy Ghost operates in each individual life is, President Packer said, the quest of a lifetime. “Once you have made that discovery for yourself, you can live in enemy territory and [you] will not be deceived or destroyed. No member of this Church—and that means each of you—will ever make a serious mistake without first being warned by the promptings of the Holy Ghost.”

“You cannot lie or cheat or steal or act immorally and have those channels remain free from disruption. Do not go where the environment resists spiritual communication,” President Packer said.

-How to Survive in Enemy Territory  by President Boyd K. Packer at the Seminary Centennial Broadcast.

Family History

“When we honor our national heritage, it becomes easier for us to honor and uphold our religious heritage as Latter-day Saints,” she said. “We are members of one large family of God. I know that the Church is that of Jesus Christ and not an ‘American church’ as the world sometimes sees it. The activity reminded me that I need to apply the teachings of the Church in my life to make my country stronger and better.”

Melissa Merrill, Church News and Events 8 NOVEMBER 2011

Rescue

If you've made it this far to being spiritually rescued then you must be feeling great joy and happiness. It's very exhilarating isn't it? But what have you learned from this? What have you become? What have you gained? How can you apply this for future use? Being rescued doesn't mean you won't find yourself lost again, but now you know how to survive till rescue comes.

A better person

Peace

Increase of knowledge/wisdom

Can hear the promptings of the Spirit better

Better attitude

Testimony*

Self discipline*

Testimony

 32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. Luke 22:32

One beautiful night in April 1972, Elders McIntire and Richards knocked on my door. At that time my wife and I were searching for answers to many questions that confused and troubled us.

The powerful testimonies of those two representatives of the Lord deeply touched our souls. A marvelous new feeling filled our hearts. We received our answers.

Our first visit to church helped our testimonies grow because of the Spirit there and the love those people showed us. Their messages and testimonies confirmed that we had found the true Church.

We attended the meetings with respect and reverence, but we postponedbaptism because we feared a negative reaction from our families.

During that time, the district of Rio de Janeíro held its quarterly conference. A strong spirit filled the hall. Brother Val Carter, a counselor to the mission president, spoke, declaring his complete dependence on Christ for salvation and exaltation.

A miracle occurred in that moment. The Holy Ghost reconfirmed the truthfulness of the gospel, and our fears vanished. On July 2, 1972, my wife and I and our eldest son, Marcus, entered the fold through the gates of baptism.

Since then, our families and friends have come to respect the Church. My sister Ivette and some of our best friends have accepted baptism.

What made these miracles possible? The testimonies of faithful Saints upon which I was temporarily dependent. They prepared my mind and heart to receive a full confirmation of the Holy Ghost.

A testimony is not a work that is ever completed and concluded. It is a process of continuous development. Nourishing and strengthening our testimonies is essential to our spiritual survival.

The Value of a Testimony BY ELDER HELVÉCIO MARTINS The Friend June 1991

Self discipline

“The key word is discipline—self-discipline. The word discipline comes from the word disciple or follower. Be a disciple/follower of the Savior, and you will be safe. … You can resist temptation.”

-How to Survive in Enemy Territory  by President Boyd K. Packer at the Seminary Centennial Broadcast.

Friday with Ethan

A poem about my Friday afternoon babysitting Ethan.

Ethan's asleep,
Whoops! There's a peep.
The golden hair boy is excited today,
Time to read, no time to play,

Out of his crib he races to the books,
He sits on my lap with that adorable look.
On and on I read,
Pirates, puppies, and pumpkin seeds.

Then it's down the stairs,
Leap through the air,
Slide on the belly,
Then juice in the belly.

Cars, trucks, and trains,
Books on puppies again!
Then teach him an evil laugh,
Pbbbt! Whoops there's some gas!

Bwahahah! Head tilted up,
Time for your sippy cup!
Run, run, pounce, pounce!
Don't let the ball bounce!

Around the table it rolls,
Watch out for the bowls!
Run, trip, fall,
You're not hurt at all!

Big boy, big boy,
What's with this toy?
Done with that, then to sit,
Then to play with cars a bit,

Zzzzz now it's time for me to nap,
Want to sit on my lap?
Just kidding! Mwahahah!
I've got you baby and all!

Knock knock on the door,
Who could that be for?
Open the door and it's a friend,
Saying hi to Ethan!

What a big day of fun,
Now my job is done,
Mama's back with with her son.
What a big day of fun!

Family home videos

I like to mess around a bit with my video camera on my phone so I thought I'd share a few videos of my little family Alex, Myla, Maren, and Jackie.


This my husband Alex, he's a fourth grade teacher and a life long learner. He recently over the summer spent a week on one of the great lakes learning about the ecosystems in the lakes. As a perk they let him borrow their Helga the Hydrilla costume for Halloween, although after trying it on he realized that maybe he wouldn't be wearing it after all. :)


This is Myla, our bunny. She's our baby, we spoil her rotten. Recently I reorganized the kitchen so I was moving her cage and moving all our pantry shelf stuff everywhere. She wasn't too happy about this until I finally finished. Then she got to explore the newly arranged kitchen and I think she likes it even more now that she can hide on those buckets!



This is Maren and Jackie, well mostly Maren. Maren is a lovebird and Jackie is a cockatiel. The two are like brother and sister and they fight like it too! When they come out to play Jackie immediately finds the first reflective surface and sits in front of it drooling over his reflection. Maren is much more playful, so here's what my birds do with ten minutes of play time.

Sister Wives

Yes, I've been watching TLC "Sister Wives". Not sure how many Mormons actually have watched this show and- random opinion after watching "John and Kate Plus Eight"- I'm under the opinion that TLC ruins family's lives. 

Anyways, I wanted to watch this show because for as long as I can remember I seriously struggled with the fact that the LDS church used to practice polygamy way back in the day. To me it honestly feels like the non-lawfully married wives are just- well a man's whore, and the children- bastards. So even though LDS Mormons don't practice polygamy any more- and if God ever said to do it again I I could not follow that and would not have it in my marriage (honestly Alex couldn't handle more than one wife)- I wanted to understand it more and the decision that God made at that time. 

So after watching the first three seasons I still would never have wanted to participate in polygamy if I were alive back in the day, but I am finding myself more sympathetic to their trials and struggled.

Ok, now for a soap box bit- I don't agree with some of the things they say on the show although most of it is still similar to our beliefs- but I definitely don't agree that there should've been so much discrimination in Utah especially when they aren't necessarily breaking any laws. I've heard this a lot from people that have lived in Utah and it's really kind of sad. Mormons are supposed to be the most tolerant of people especially with our history. I understand that the show's view is skewed and not everyone in Utah is like that- I'm friends with very many people from Utah who aren't. I like what one of the sister wives said in the show- judge us but let us live our lives freely (paraphrased). That was beautiful and so true- part of living in America is being able to think freely and live freely. And as a church I'm pretty sure we believe in that and unless someone has entered into covenants with the Lord we don't hold them to the same standards. We invite them to be held to the same standard and applaud when they are at the same standard but never take away their agency. Now off the soap box.

On to what I thought of the show- one of the things I do like about these reality shows from TLC (guilty pleasure shows as I call them) with families is that I do get to meet some incredible, unique, true personalities- but after about the first season it takes on a law if physics and you can no longer observe an object in their natural state. Then TLC (the press, the money, the fame etc) really ruins families. 

But before that tipping point came I couldn't help but think that the sister wives together reminded me of when sister-in-laws get together- which I can relate to because I have seven on my husband's side. All the sister wives have such different personalities like my sister-in-laws and some of them remind me of a few of them (especially Robyn). I personally relate to them too (especially Mari), because, despite their strange lifestyle, they're still women and still go through things that any other woman goes through. That's what I like most about this show, getting to know the women individually. 

Will this show ever change how I feel about polygamy? I don't think so. I think it will take a lot more studying and prayer before I understand that decision the Lord made back then. Do I now have more tolerance to a lifestyle so close to my own but has a threatening aspect to marriage? I'm pretty tolerant of most people's lifestyle choices even if I don't agree with them, but I do feel my tolerance has increased for people who are different than me because I have gotten to know them personally via my tv. It definitely helps too that they are women. I'll probably never understand men, I still don't understand my husband! 

The gender controversy

I've been sitting on this post for a while now and am a little hesitant to share it with everyone mostly because I'm not into discussing heavy controversy with people and I really don't want my blog writing to turn negative (this is a problem I've had with passed blogs), but the Stake Relief Society Presidency has been going around addressing the issue of the "ordain woman" movement and so I thought I'd share my thoughts on gender roles. As far as what side I'm on- do I want woman to have the priesthood or not- I'm on God's side. If God wishes to give the woman the priesthood in this life then he will on his own terms. Personally I don't want to hold the priesthood like men do, but I have no objection for women in general to hold the priesthood- when God sees fit. We have all been preordained to be priests and priestesses in the next like so eventually if you're worthy we will all be ordained.

The rest of this post is not about the "ordained women" movement but about how I view gender roles and labels. There are some beautiful (I think) things written in here that may make you think twice about how society and the church view gender labels. I believe very strongly in the roles of male and female in the gospel and do not wish to change your beliefs about male and female (sex) roles in the church, but wish to open your eyes more about gender, which is very different than sex. So here it is–

I'm a big believer in not using gender stereotypes on people, especially children. I don't mean that I'm going to go dress my little boy up in a dress (although back in the day this wasn't uncommon) or I'm going to expect my little girl to play football with the others boys. What I mean is literally not using things like dresses and playing football to define my child as a girl or a boy. Will I be putting cute, frilly little dresses on my baby girl when I have one? Yes. But, I'll also be putting my cute little boy in cute little suits. I know it sounds contradicting but there is a huge difference between the two and it has to do with the mentality of it all. When I say I'm not going to use gender stereotypes with my child that means I'm not going to force my child to identify with the color pink as girly (incidentally pink was also historically a color baby boys wore) or playing with cars as boyish. Instead it will be "the color pink is a pretty color and you think it's a pretty color because it's your (and my) favorite color so we're going to go buy you cute pink clothes and awesome pink cars to match your favorite pink bed spread." And when they get tired of pink and their favorite color is black and they like to collect black rocks as their new thing, then that's what we'll do.

Growing up my younger sister and I were obsessed with animals, we would take an awesome plastic cheetah toy over a Barbie any day. We would pretend we were dogs and crawl around in the grass barking all day. My little brother owned a doll when he was a baby. He used to wrestle with the missionaries, he sucked at school. My older sister used to destroy doll hair, why? Because she was fascinated with learning how to cut hair (still is) and a lot of dolls suffered for it. She loved playing soccer. I once asked for rocks and sticks for Christmas because I had a wild and vivid imagination. I used to have the worst bowl hair cut ever and my favorite color was never pink. My little sister was the only one of us ever to own a mermaid Barbie doll with growing hair. Her best friends have always been boys.

Where are the four of us now? My older sister who loved to do hair still does her own and wears tons of make up, but doesn't like to be in the popular crowd and prefers to biking over soccer. Me, I'm as "girly" as you can get without doing my hair and make up. I even like the colors pink and purple and have many clothes in those colors. I'm still all natural, I like my hair long, I'm very creative and imaginative still, I love dinosaurs and when I "grow up" I want to be a paleontologist. My little sister still loves animals, she has 19 rats, 10 betas and other fish, a dog and a cat. She loves to read and is as creative, if not more than, as me. She doesn't relate to girls still, but she has several friends that are girls who think she is awesome. She doesn't like to be "girly" but she's seen more chick flicks than I have. My brother doesn't own his doll anymore, but he still wrestles– ergh– does tae kwon do. (second degree black belt). He's very handy with  wood and a saw and is taking more AP classes at school than the other three of us combined.

So what's my point? Notice how many gender related things I listed that flip flopped from back then to now. Count the number of things that aren't gender related. If you're not gender labeling then everything above should be counted in that list. What did you get?

Now this doesn't mean that some gender labels– let's call them roles– aren't important to us. Roles such as mother and father. There are many responsibilities that secular and non secular go with these two roles. In the church we take this very seriously. But what happens when you take one of those out of the equation? Then mother has to take on the role as father. She has to provide for her children like a father and she still has to nurture them like a mother, and vise versa. When it comes to all those gender labels that we fight about in society, one's that should go this way or that way or if they have those then we should have them too, we forget that every single one of us can do those things if we have to. The only thing that cannot be shared or switched (without surgery, even then...) is everything reproductive. That physical attribute is set in stone the moment you are born (don't get into the whole "what if you have both?" argument because I'm not sure how that works.), everything else is purely based on the individual and the circumstances/environment that they grow up in.

I have this beautiful diptych painting that portrays the silhouettes of a man and a woman and written all over are some simple, straight forward thinking. I'll leave with you what they say: 

Crocheting lovely things

I don't have a lot of talents but I excel very well in anything artistic. One of my favorite ways to practice my talent is through crocheting. I have a semi active etsy shop called Heads of Fun

where I sell cute little crocheted flower headbands.

I don't get a lot of orders but I get a few. I kinda like it like that, that way I don't feel super rushed. Occasionally people from church will ask me to crochet something for their kids, not only have I done headbands and flowers I've also done hats,

Made this for my brother for last Christmas, we're big Doctor Who Fans

scarves

and my personal favorite amigurumi dolls.

Made this for my sister-in-law who loves Toothless

1,000 Brownie Points if you can tell me what this is!

10,000 BP if you know what this one is!

I like doing projects that are small.

I've done a few blankets,

Two security blankets the right (owl) I made for Sariah and the left (dinosaur) I made for a friend's newborn

Made this Superman hat and blanket for Sariah when she was born. She's got the Superman pose down perfectly!

but they take too long for me and I'm kinda impatient when it comes to getting projects done (that's why I got my degree in graphic design, because everything there has to be done fast, and the faster you go the sooner you get a finished product.). So blankets are not totally my thing. I recently made myself a granny square blanket,

This is my blanket

but I have to fix it because my bunny ate part of it (the hazards of having a bunny)

and this is the not-so-innocent-but-gosh-darn-it-so-cute culprit!

. I just recently also made a scarf and a hat for some friends.

My friend's daughter and the Gryffindor scarf I made for her Harry Potte themed birthday party.

Just finished this adorable strawberry beanie tonight for a friend's baby girl's Halloween costume.

I'm am also in the process of making some My Little Pony dolls (sorry, don't have a picture of those yet) that some day I'll finish. They aren't that time consuming but I'm doing the six stars from the Friendship is Magic series plus Princess Cadence, so they'll take a while to finish.

And here are some more cute pictures of my two newest nieces (Sariah and Aspen) in their cute little gear I made them.

Babysitting Olivia and Kate

It's been a long time since I've babysat kids who hardly know me, it's been even longer since I've baby sat for an entire day. Normally when I babysit the kids know me pretty well, they were either in my Sunbeam class or I'm really close friends with their parents. Today I babysat Olivia and Kate while their parents were in Chicago for a wedding. The two girls don't really know me.

The last time I really saw Olivia (other than in passing at church) she was probably her sister's age. A few weeks ago we brought them cookies and Olivia met me formally for the first time. Kate however, has never met me. Kate is a very tender child and unlike most children I babysit she's very tender hearted and every time I say hi she bursts into tears. 

Olivia is the other way around. She stares at me and expects me to watch her as she performs whatever she feels like doing. (Today she dressed up as Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon.) This is something that I normally experienced a long time ago with other children that hardly knew me, not with children that know me very well. I wonder if it is because I'm someone new to look at like a caged animal in a zoo? Whatever it is, I forgot how it can be a little weird being stared at so intensely. I'm a very introverted person, so any one staring at me makes me feel uncomfortable, I just forgot how weird it is when kids do it. 

Although today was a first, Olivia asked me if I was pregnant and she was sure my baby was on the way. I am over weight and have always been on the chubby side all my adult life but up until today I've never been asked by anyone, let alone a little kid if I was pregnant. I guess my belly's getting too big despite going to aerobics twice a week! So besides it being a little awkward with Olivia she is a delightful little girl who loves Toothless and the Incredibles and Cars (I was surprised how very non "girly" her tastes were.

Tender little Kate is very cute with her spindly, wonky curls. So as to not frighten her I stopped saying her name or anything to her. I just smile at her and she smiles back. After her nap though she was scared stiff of me and wouldn't go near me so I had to drag her out of he crib screaming and carried her down the stairs and the instant I asked her if she wanted to watch the rest of the Incredibles with her sister she immediately stopped crying. When she plays she's a chatter box, you can't understand her but it's adorable to watch.

When my husband came over to watch them with me I told him to say hi to Kate. He said "hi Kate" and Kate gives him this big smile! What's up with that?? I guess Kate's just scared of me. She wouldn't let me do anything for her. So Alex got the job of feeding her, cleaning her, holding her and dressing her because she was just so much more happy in his arms than mine.

Here's something I'm sure every body will be flabbergasted to read: I changed my first poopy diaper since as far back as I can remember- or at all! You'd think with having two younger siblings, a mother who had a babysitting business for the first ten years of my life or so, lots of baby nieces and nephews, and has babysat in the past that I would have changed a poopy diaper at least once before. But, as far as I can remember I've never done. I just have somehow gotten away with not doing it or gotten really lucky with clean diapers- however I managed to escape that experience I wasn't able to escape today and when it came to changing Kate's diaper I had no clue what I was doing and was a little disgusted by the smell. 

I know what you're probably thinking- it's a stinky diaper, everybody poops, nobody likes changing a poopy diaper, get over it! And you're totally right and I did get over it once I stopped gagging and everything stopped smelling like poop. Not only am I a germaphobe but am incredibly sensitive to smells and tastes- some of this is my fault but a lot of it is because of the medicine I take for my PCOS which heightens food and smell aversions. So if you can imagine how easily cooking hot dogs makes me feel sick then you can imagine how a poopy diaper makes me feel.

It also didn't help that what ever is causing my dizziness and headaches and today nausea was back in full swing today and I felt really bad for Olivia because I had to rest a while instead of playing with her and Kate. I luckily found some ibuprofen and some Benadryl so by the time nap time was over I didn't feel like vomiting.

For dinner we had lasagna and man did little Kate eat a ton! We did have it kind of late (their oven is 50 degrees off so I had to re-compensate for that ^^') so she must have been hungry. This was after she had eaten two graham crackers and the left overs of her lunch. The girls really like lasagna. When I was little I wasn't a big fan of it, it was one of my least favorite dishes growing up, although now if it's cheesy enough I'll eat a big serving of it. Kate was so hungry that she stole portion of Olivia's lasagna right in front of her! Of course Olvia wasn't going to have any of that so she stole it back! That poor piece of lasagna was dragged back and forth, back and forth until, somehow, Olivia smuggled it back onto her plate and ate it.

After dinner we immediately sent the girls to bed (it was passed their bed time). We read Goldilocks to the girls and Kate insisted that she stand in front of the book making it so Olivia couldn't see. I kept moving her out of the way but she would start crying so Alex grabbed her and put her on his lap next to Olivia (he has such a magic touch with this girl) and she immediately stopped crying so he put her to bed and like magic they went to sleep!

Just another funny story, I go to get on their wifi and two different locked wifis come up as "FBI Surveillance Van" and for a second I was like Ooh, who's getting spied on?? Then it occurred to me that if there really was an FBI surveillance van out in the parking lot then 1. they wouldn't have their wifi available for you to join and 2. they wouldn't call it "FBI Surveillance Van", but it made me laugh and I kinda wanna know who would name their wifi that.

Break-Down O'Clock

Every Friday Kristina likes to have a "Break-Down O'clock" from 3-5pm where any one who wants to can come over, no expectations (not  even a clean house) and do nothing or just talk and get whatever you want off your chest. Kids are welcome, but they don't have to come. Kristina basically lets her kids do whatever they want (as long as there's no blood or fire) from watching tv to making the house a mess. This is a period where she can physically relax and talk with who ever will listen. Kristina has invited me a few times, but I've always been busy. Last night I was having a very difficult time coping with a bad case of allergies, dizziness and mental fogginess, it wasn't a great night. I posted something about it on Facebook and later Kristina invited me again so today– despite really needing a nap to recover– I decided to go with Kate and hang out at Kristina's house.

When we got there we sat down and for a second I felt like we were Visit Teaching Kristina (guess that goes to show you how casual my VT visits are!). But we had no problems talking together about whatever and being, for a couple hours, lazy. Even though I didn't get a nap in today and literally dragged my body around and forced it to do things I really didn't want to do, it was really nice just sitting there and talking. Kristina is newer in our ward so it was really nice to get to know her more.

Kristina has three kids who I've seen around all the time at church and meetings (both Kristina and Kate are on my Activities Committee) they are like any other healthy children, lively and full of character. Kristina's youngest, Emma, who's only a few months old is by far the cutest chubby cheeks baby every. I got to hold her for the first time today and strangely not because she was handed to me today, but because I picked her up off the couch because she was screaming. I bounced her on my knee and she stopped crying. The other two kids spent their time playing with Anna, Kate's girl, or getting mad while playing phone games (it's Break-Down O'Clock, they can do anything!). They also have an old dog name Pike, she's a black lab mix and is a very kind, patient dog, and I don't know if it was because she was older but, she didn't try to lick my hand to death! (Germaphobe remember?) So as a reward I pet and she went off happy.

So two hours of hanging out were great and quite an ingenious idea! I think every one should have a Break-Down time, especially stressed, depressed, stuffed up, dizzy people like me! Unfortunately next week for me is really busy so I don't think I'll get that nap in before the next Break-Down O'clock. Hopefully I don't break down before then.

The germaphobe in me

Yesterday after institute Aubrey and I (and both boys) went to Hobby Lobby to pick up some yarn for a project I'm working on. We got back home and we're talking about Christmas presents (I know, it's not even Halloween yet!) when Parker comes up with a used floss pik (really gross). Parker says "this is mine!" Aubrey repeatedly tells him to go throw it away. He disappears behind the dumpster, we thought he was throwing it away so we go back to talking about our plans. Then Parker reappears again still holding the pik runs up to us and proceeds to stick it in his mouth. Immediately my germaphobe self clicks on and I quickly grab the pik out of his mouth and throw it in the dumpster. I found myself scolding (in a nice voice, I don't know a better word for it) him and telling him that was nasty, disgusting and dangerous.

Then today, at aerobics when we were doing stretches on our mats, Ethan comes running up to me sticking something in his mouth. I grabbed him stuck my fingers in his mouth and pulling out a very slimy piece of plastic. It looked like a tag from a shirt or something, not as gross as the floss pik, but still who knows where it came from.

Both times I grabbed nasty garbage out of the kid's mouth I kept remembering this one scene from the movie "Look Who's Talking Too" when two mothers are in the park with their boys and one of them comes up to the mother holding some nasty piece of garbage that looked like hazardous waste from a hospital and the mother freaks out and starts yelling at the kid. She grabs her wipes and starts cleaning off the kids hands. That's how I felt these two moments.

The interesting thing about these two incidents is that I've never done that before. I'm not the kind if person who would interfere with another person's kid. Although, with these two boys I've spent a lot more time with them so maybe I'm more comfortable around them and that's why I did it. The other weird thing about these incidents is that I am an extreme germaphobic so touching nasty garbage let alone kid slobber is gross to me. I don't even like the idea of changing poopy diapers or vomit. People tell me that it's different with your own kids which makes sense- you know where that poop's been. Although I love Aubrey, she's very honest and says it grosses her out still even after having two boys. It's her least favorite part of having a baby.

As much as I'd like to think that my germaphobia is slowly dwindling and that poop and vomit will no longer bother me and I might just one day sit down and change a baby's diaper with out gagging, I have a feeling these two incidents were flukes. But who knows, maybe God is slowly preparing me for twins where I'll have double the diaper duty. I'd gladly take double duty if it meant two little babies. :)

Hearing the news

I'm sitting here tonight at book group typing on my phone reflecting on the exciting news that one of my friends has publicly announced she's pregnant. Becca and Tom have spent a very long time, longer than us, trying to have children so when she announced she was pregnant every woman in the room couldn't help but be extatic.

 Alex and I have a lot of friends with fertility issues, we even started with Tom and Becca a kidless couples fhe for those who don't have children. When it first started most of us were having fertility issues so when a couple got pregnant we were very excited to "kick them out" of the group. We are always happy when our friends announce their news, and even though we wish it was us we never take away from the lime light of a glowing woman who's about to be a mom.

Becca's news actually gives me a renewed hope- if she can struggle for so long and successfully carry a baby, then maybe I can too. Although I don't want to jynx Becca since she's only about three months along give or take a week, (her problem was getting pregnant) I have a feeling she will carry her baby to full term.

Many of our friends, like us, are still struggling with infertility and some I have seen have grown in their faith and some have shriveled away and seriously begin to question God and his plan for families. To be honest when we have hit a bump in the road I have gotten mad at God and asked why, but feeling foolishly later when God has answered a small pray- maybe not the big one- I am reminded that God is there with me. As much as I want to really have a child, and my patriarchal blessing says I will (it however it doesn't specify in this life or the next), I know God has a plan for me whether it involves children in this life or not. I have great faith that God will never leave me and he will care for me no matter what I go through and I will come out a stronger and more refined woman in his eyes and in the eyes of those around me. The blessings that we wait for in the next life will be that much sweeter.

I congratulate my fellow sisters in Christ who are bringing new life into the world and as always give your babes a hug and a kiss for me. 

Breast feeding and formula

My thoughts on public breast feeding

Today at aerobics during our cool down one of the mothers with a new born said, "is everyone ok if I breast feed the baby?" And since we were all mothers- or almost- and had all experienced lactating we said ok. Then with some modesty she began to breast feed.

As a 25 year old Mormon woman 95% of my friends are mothers and 90% are always breast feeding. Even a friend with a two year old is still breast feeding. In the last three months alone over 25 friends of mine had babies or are expecting babies. A year ago, the same thing, (this always impresses me considering I don't live in Utah) So I'm always around mothers breast feeding. 

Personally a woman breast feeding in front of me doesn't bother me. I know some people are disgusted when a woman just flips one out- which in some cases- like when my father was in the bishopric and on a Sunday sitting on the stand witnessed a sister fully flip one out not even covering it with her shirt or like when my friend flipped one out while in the middle of the busiest mall in America with thousands of people around watching- I can see this as being horrifying. Because honestly breast feeding boobs aren't pretty and seeing a full fledged boob out in the open is kind of like seeing a butt cheek, eye blinding white bulbous fatty tissue that jiggles when you move with blue veins and stretch marks streaking through out it. They should be covered up out of modesty- like your butt cheeks. I don't agree with a woman flipping one clear out. 

Luckily my friends don't do that, they use their shirt or a blanket to cover up. This doesn't mean they do this perfectly, I have many times been flashed, but I just look away while she fixes herself. Like the church teaches they are modest about it and some, like today, are courteous and ask. For me, they don't ever need to ask, but to be safe I would encourage any woman to always ask especially when men that aren't your family are around. Not everyone is comfortable with breast feeding like me.

Breast feeding vs formula

When Alex and I have children we will be breast feeding if it is possible for me. Some women I know aren't able to breast feed so I understand if they use formula. If it turns out that we can never have our own kids and we adopt, then we will use formula. I am not against using formula i do believe it is good for babies, but I believe that breast milk is better, plus it's free.

On Friday we had a girls night at Kristin's house, her kids were in bed but baby Sarah needed a bottle. In her case her children would not breast feed so they use formula. I'm a big fan of breast pumps, so if my kids won't breast feed I'm going for the breast pump before formula. I also plan on breast pumping and freezing surplus like my sister does.

As much as I am pro breast feeding the instant my baby gets a tooth in they are off the boob and on the bottle. I'm a wuss for pain and do not look forward to bleeding through my bra and shirt. But I still would pump. I think my friend Danny who's breast feeding her two year old is really brave. When my brother was a baby my mother breast fed well into him having lots of teeth and I remember she'd be feeding him and them all of a sudden she would scream "OUCH!" You could hear her throughout the entire house. I have no desire to ever experience that part of motherhood. So my breast pump will definitely become my new best friend.

My friend Parker

Today we had a meeting with the Relief Society presidency and the activities committee for planning our ward's Christmas party. My good friend Aubrey (the head of the activities committee) has two little boys, the oldest is a three year old named Parker. Parker in some ways is a lot like Ethan- he runs. Aubrey has had to chase him many times through the neighborhood. However, he's getting older and doesn't run off as much any more.

Today at our meeting (Aubrey hosted) we sat around in the living room in a circle. Aubrey had pulled out some kitchen chairs for every one and Parker immediately sat on one of them and patiently waited for the meeting to start. 

Of course it wasn't long before he got distracted when more kids came over. Anna, about two years old, showed up with her mother and wandered over to Parker's dry erase board and proceeded to mess up Parker's picture of his family (it was scribbles). Parker was really upset by this. He ran over to the board to stop Anna. I, sitting next to the board, asked Parker if it was ok if Anna added to it. He gave me this pure honest look and said, "that's ok." 

That's what I love about Parker. Despite being a very typical three year old boy, he is incredibly kind. He does have his moments where Aubrey has to start counting, but when ever he's paying attention to you and focusing on you he's very dutiful. Probably more so with other people who aren't his parents.

I first met Parker about two years ago, give or take a few months. His brother not born yet, and he an anxious toddler who had a whine in his voice that you couldn't understand. I couldn't help but giggle every time he talked because his normal voice was so whiny and I had no idea what he ever said. But, I could understand when he whined my name and said, "friend!". Yep, from the very beginning Parker thought of me as a friend (most definitely conditioned by his mother to think this) and every time he sees me he's very excited and always says, "hi Gretchen!" 

When we have kids I so badly want a girl. I could care less about having boys, except when I hang out with Parker. If I have a boy I hope he's as sweet as Parker is. We colored in his coloring book together once. As an artist I'm a super perfectionist and that even means with crayons. Something about coloring with Parker was completely different. I let him control where I colored and what color I used and I had complete fun letting go and just scribbling! And of course with Parker there was a bit of destruction to the coloring pages by the time we were done.

Parker does have his bad moments, and I have witnessed many! But, spending time coloring with him reminded me when I was little and my mother dedicated many hours to making sure as little kids we got to do many crafts. There are three girls in my family so we created many sand art, jewelry, keychains and many other very girly crafts. 

This is one reason why I want so badly to have a little girl, so I can do these fun little things with her. Of course if I do have a boy there are so many crafts that I've never even heard of that I can do with him too! But, for now I'll get joy out of coloring with Parker.

This week Parker learned how to use the peddles on his tricycle. When I came over for the meeting. He showed me his bike and told me he could ride it, and he was so proud. 

Parker has lots of friends, little ones and big ones. Parker is an incredible little boy. And I'm very glad he remembers who I am because I've had kids who forget who I am. But mostly, I'm glad he's my friend.

Aerobics Baby

As part of my "take a year off" plan I've decided to get back into exercising. Every Monday and Friday morning at the Stake Center there's an Aerobics class for the sisters in our area. The numbers are few, but the instructors are awesome and still keep pumping out creative moves even if there's only one person there. All of the women there are mothers– except me– who bring their babies or their pregnant bellies to get a work out. Well, as well of a work out as you can being pregnant and/or chasing a toddler around. We do our workout in the gym so with a few toys from the nursery as incentives the kids actually do really well. And when there's more kids to play with the mothers can get ten minute chunks of workout in.

I don't have a car so I have to bum a ride from one of the willing sisters in my neighborhood. Luckily the neighborhood I live in has been deemed "Little Provo" so it only takes three minutes to walk to a sister's house and ride with them. My LDS neighbors are awesome! I feel so bad sometimes having to always ask for rides from people, even when we're going to the same place. I do try to do something in return for them. My wonderful friend Kristin who is handicapped has given me rides to aerobics. I help her with her wheel chair and I attempt to help her with her oldest daughter Kayla, but Kayla is a very strong willed little girl (she'd probably get really upset at me for calling her "little") and refuses to let me help her get out of the car. In fact she asked me once when I was going to get my own car because she was tired of giving me rides everywhere! (Kristin only gave me rides to aerobics.) Kristin was horrified at what her daughter said. I laughed– I thought it was kinda funny. Although, I prolly shouldn't have laughed in front of Kayla, that might encourage that kind of behavior more. I have a feeling though she wouldn't need any encouragement.

Kayla won't need to worry about giving me anymore rides. On Friday I got a ride from Ashley, who realized the value of giving a ride to someone. This meant she had no excuse to not get out of bed and go to aerobics. Ashley's about three months pregnant and doesn't do well during pregnancies. She also has an almost two year old named Ethan. He can be a handful sometimes because he inherited his parents long skinny legs and his mother's love to run. Every time I see Ashley she's running after him. However, he is a sweet boy despite is urge to play catch me if you can with his mother. Ashley was so excited to take me to aerobics not only because it made her go to, but because afterwards I get to play with Ethan for about 15 minutes while she takes a shower (Ethan freaks out when she showers).

Today, as we warmed up by walking around the perimeter of the gym Ashley had disappeared somewhere and Ethan was running behind me. I would turn around and smile at him and he'd get this big huge grin on his face and start running faster towards me like I was his own mother. For a few minutes I thought this must be what it's like to have your own child run after you with this look of pure joy. I've never had a kid do that. Not even my pet bunny will give me an affectionate look like that. Little Ethan who came up to me while we were in our heavy duty work out and handed me some blocks with that same grin that he gives his mother. For a second I felt kind of bad for Ashley because he wasn't sharing his toys with her or dancing in circles with her. But then I realized she probably appreciated not having to do those things so she could get a proper workout. I don't know why he runs after me like this. I thought maybe he might have actually mistaken me for his mother but his mother is tall and thin while I'm short and plump. Maybe it's just his personality.

After aerobics Ashley slipped upstairs to take a shower while I distracted him. He has this little Tonka semi truck with a detaching trailer that also opens up in the back. With two little Duplos and a race car I spent 15 minutes having him put in the blocks and car, closing the back of the trailer only to have me dump them out again. I thought the game should be the other way around, but I don't think he's figured out how to dump things out of that trailer yet. When he would wander towards the stairs about ready to look for his mom I would call him, he'd look over and I'd dump the trailer out again. Then I would tell him to come put everything back in. And with that big grin–having completely forgot about his mother– he'd come running back over and put everything back in. What a sweet boy little Ethan is!

Baby's all grown up and crawling!

Last night my husband and I were at my parents house for Sunday dinner. After dinner we Skyped my sister who lives in Provo. She and her husband have a seventh month old baby girl, Sariah. She is the first and only grandchild of my parents and my only biological niece. My husband has a huge family, with lots of kids, but seven months ago, when Sariah was born, I finally understood that relationship that any aunt and uncle has with their nieces and nephews. It was very surreal to me. The concept that this baby was actually biologically related me completely blew my mind. And even more, she's darndest cutest baby I've ever seen. A beautiful mixture of her two beautiful parents, Sariah is by far the closest thing I have to my own child, so every time I get to see her my heart fills with joy.

Last evening was the first time we'd been able to chat with them in a while and see that bundle of joy. Sariah was happily bouncing around and standing on her feet (with the help of a chair of course). Every now and then she would get this cute little scrunched up look on her face when ever she wasn't pleased with her parents. My parents ooed and awed over their granddaughter's every little move. I admit I did too. Seeing that cute, pudgy little body learn how to move you couldn't help but turn to mush.

We were lucky that evening because for the first time ever Sariah crawled. We were ecstatic! Like most of my siblings Sariah took a little longer to start crawling, but the secret to getting her to crawl was apparently twizzlers and grandparents. While daddy dangled twizzlers just out of her reach Sariah, with one sock on and one sock off, began to crawl towards the twizzlers and the computer screen where she could see us. However, she veered towards the twizzlers in the end. Despite her true priorities it was amazing to be apart of a monumental event in my niece's life.

Here's Sariah in her adorable little skirt crawling towards those twizzlers.

About this blog

Hello! My name is Gretchen. I am a Mormon living in Illinois with my husband, bunny, two birds and occasionally some really big scary spiders. 

So what's this blog about and what's up with the spiders?

Well I'm just scared of big black hairy spiders, and this blog is about me wanting to be a mom. Growing up I was pretty oblivious to the world around me and I was never the "motherly" type. In fact I was pretty much a tom boy without dressing like one. While my sisters (and even my brother) played with dolls I wanted to be outside digging in the dirt, creating magical lands for my animal toys. 

Even after getting married to my husband, Alex, back in 2008, it never had occurred to me what I thought about having children. My husband loves children, he's known he's wanted to be a fourth grade teacher since he himself was in fourth grade and has always wanted kids. He even picked out names. As for me, I didn't know what I wanted to be a graphic designer until my senior year of high school. But I didn't know I wanted to be a mom until a year after we got married and I was pregnant. 

Unfortunately, the idea of me being a mom still hadn't sunk in because five weeks in to the pregnancy I miscarried. We went home, numb from the experience. Even more awful, I had lost it six days before Mother's Day. I cried for a very long time. However we healed and three months later I was pregnant again. This time going in my husband and I were excited, only to have our hopes dashed when I lost it at six weeks. A year later, we lost our third at 7.5 weeks. 

At this point my doctor decided it was time to see a specialist. We had an amazing team of specialist doctors, PAs, and nurses and never once had a bad experience with them. After over 100 blood tests, a failed IUI, being diagnosed with PCOS, Subclinicalhypothyroidism, and Endomitriosis and possibly being allergic to my husband's DNA and proteins we finally got pregnant for the fourth time via IVF. We thought this would be the magic number, that our days of bad news were over. But, after seeing the signs, at 11 weeks, I lost baby #4. After recovering from the DNC we talked with our doctor and tried one more time with IVF. Again, we were disappointed when none of the fertilized eggs matured and lived long enough to be implanted.

After four years of constantly trying, praying for a baby, having family fasts for our babies to live we decided it was time for a break. And as of March of this year we started a year long break from trying. My body needed to heal and so did our spirits. We were emotionally drained, and our spirits hurt. We knew God wasn't leaving us out to dry, but we couldn't help but feel forgotten as all our friends around us started their own families and then expanded them. At some point I realized how badly I wanted to be a mom. I even picked out every child's name I wanted for at least four boys and/or four girls. But I haven't had a chance to use them yet.

As an LDS woman we are taught that having a family is essential to the plan of salvation, and even though most of my life I never saw myself as a mother, I want to be one, but me becoming a mother is completely in God's hands now because we have done everything we can. Someday, even if it's in the next life, I know I will be a mother. 

So eight months into my "one year break" I've started this blog, about wanting to be a mother and through my everyday experiences, mostly with my friends' children, I get a sneak peek at what it will eventually be like.