So what's this blog about and what's up with the spiders?
Well I'm just scared of big black hairy spiders, and this blog is about me wanting to be a mom. Growing up I was pretty oblivious to the world around me and I was never the "motherly" type. In fact I was pretty much a tom boy without dressing like one. While my sisters (and even my brother) played with dolls I wanted to be outside digging in the dirt, creating magical lands for my animal toys.
Even after getting married to my husband, Alex, back in 2008, it never had occurred to me what I thought about having children. My husband loves children, he's known he's wanted to be a fourth grade teacher since he himself was in fourth grade and has always wanted kids. He even picked out names. As for me, I didn't know what I wanted to be a graphic designer until my senior year of high school. But I didn't know I wanted to be a mom until a year after we got married and I was pregnant.
Unfortunately, the idea of me being a mom still hadn't sunk in because five weeks in to the pregnancy I miscarried. We went home, numb from the experience. Even more awful, I had lost it six days before Mother's Day. I cried for a very long time. However we healed and three months later I was pregnant again. This time going in my husband and I were excited, only to have our hopes dashed when I lost it at six weeks. A year later, we lost our third at 7.5 weeks.
At this point my doctor decided it was time to see a specialist. We had an amazing team of specialist doctors, PAs, and nurses and never once had a bad experience with them. After over 100 blood tests, a failed IUI, being diagnosed with PCOS, Subclinicalhypothyroidism, and Endomitriosis and possibly being allergic to my husband's DNA and proteins we finally got pregnant for the fourth time via IVF. We thought this would be the magic number, that our days of bad news were over. But, after seeing the signs, at 11 weeks, I lost baby #4. After recovering from the DNC we talked with our doctor and tried one more time with IVF. Again, we were disappointed when none of the fertilized eggs matured and lived long enough to be implanted.
After four years of constantly trying, praying for a baby, having family fasts for our babies to live we decided it was time for a break. And as of March of this year we started a year long break from trying. My body needed to heal and so did our spirits. We were emotionally drained, and our spirits hurt. We knew God wasn't leaving us out to dry, but we couldn't help but feel forgotten as all our friends around us started their own families and then expanded them. At some point I realized how badly I wanted to be a mom. I even picked out every child's name I wanted for at least four boys and/or four girls. But I haven't had a chance to use them yet.
As an LDS woman we are taught that having a family is essential to the plan of salvation, and even though most of my life I never saw myself as a mother, I want to be one, but me becoming a mother is completely in God's hands now because we have done everything we can. Someday, even if it's in the next life, I know I will be a mother.
So eight months into my "one year break" I've started this blog, about wanting to be a mother and through my everyday experiences, mostly with my friends' children, I get a sneak peek at what it will eventually be like.
This is a very touching story, your faith is incredible. Thanks for sharing
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