That Easter Morn

Cool fact: apparently (meaning I wasn't aware of this) the entire Christian world is celebrating Easter on the same day this year.

I'm not a lover of the "Easter Holiday" with all the eggs, creaptastic Easter Bunny, baby chicks, the pastels and the terribly messy fake grass. I'm not much of a big fan of mixing this (but I am a good sport about it) with what Easter's true meaning is. This shouldn't be too surprising since I feel the same way about Christmas. But something has changed how I feel, not about the gaudy commercialism, but the symbolism. And I'm now going to get gooey, mushy and sappy.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about the grand influence that Jesus has had on the world, which actually came to my mind more than once because I've been re-watching seasons of House M.D. and I just so happened to manage to get into the right season right before Easter (and Mother's Day) where House is dissing God believers left and right, and there's babies being born left and right (which is a real tear jerker for me right around this time because of the losses we've had at this time of year) and people are magically having "virgin" births and people are being raised from the dead. So the subject Jesus and birth and renewal have been creeping a lot on my mind. Despite your religious or non religious view point, despite whether you think Jesus really existed or not, you can't deny the influence he has over the world and through out time.

I don't know what it was about this thought, but it really gave me some comfort. I have to admit, this is probably the best Easter I've had in years and it's all because of the state of mind I've been in. A few days ago I asked on Facebook, what is frustration without anger called? For a very long time I've felt frustrated by my mental state, but not angry. But lately it's improved. I'd like to say that it's improved because I tried very, very hard to make it so, but it's not. Ok, maybe I tried a little, but I really owe a huge chunk to my new happy meds that have broken down some serious large, thick walls, which has in turn, improved my state. And with that I have happier thoughts coming out of my head and I tend to feel the spirit more, and that is key to today being one of the best Easters ever for me.

Feeling the spirit while singing in choir also added to today. I about lost my voice today. This morning I woke up with a sore throat (left the fan on all last might), then, while practicing, the high notes were really hurting. But God spared my voice and I got through half an hour practice, then singing six songs (SIX SONGS! With lots of high notes! If that wasn't a blessing...) I guess I'm lucky though, Becca, who sits next to me, also sang, and gave a talk, and is very pregnant, was feeling a little dizzy from all that sitting up and sitting down! Out of the three songs that only the choir sang, my favorite was "That Easter Morn", it is by far the most beautiful Easter hymn I've ever heard or sang. I really liked singing it because it's in a minor key. I love singing in minor key! It was also great with the organist's changes that really just milked the power an organ has in minor key. But each of the songs gave me goosebumps from head to toe, and I only get goosebumps like that when the spirit is really strong there presently. The primary kids also sang two wonderful numbers as well, and I honestly have never felt the spirit stronger coming from those kids than when they sang today. I know they felt it too because they sang loud, not obnoxious loud which does happen sometimes, but loud like you could see the spirit swell and spill out of them loud. It was amazing.

This is that change. Personally I'm super cynical about everything, and yes even about crappy holiday songs. And I may still not like a few songs, but today there wasn't a cynical bone in my body. Sounds sappy from a pretty down-to-Earth-do-not-show-tender-emotions-girl like me. But I felt it.

If that wasn't sappy enough for you, I went down memory lane too (complete with the glossy eyes and the ever so slight head tilt). I sat in with the primary class I taught two years ago when they were Sunbeams, while Tina taught the Easter lesson. Observing one of the girls, Ava, I remembered when *I* taught the Easter lesson to that group. Ava was so horrified when I explained that because Jesus died for us, we would die and then rise again. She said with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, "I'm going to DIE??" After class her dad picked her up and she told him, "Daddy, my teacher says...I'M GOING TO DIE!" while I was standing right there. Luckily her dad understood and thought it quite funny.

Ok, before you get stuck in that ooey gooeyness, I will admit I was a bit ornery, today.  The primary kids did an outdoor Easter egg hunt today. Three of the girls from an older class (incidentally one of them, Zoe, was the older sister of Ava, and all three of the girls I had in Nursery way back when Alex and I first got married.) came running up to their teacher, Summer, to show their spoils to her. I put out my hand and demanded that each girl pay the egg tax and give me one of their eggs. Zoe pouted and handed me an egg full of jelly beans. Poor sweet Zoe did not realize I was joking until Alyssa told her it was a joke. I did give the egg back. And as much as I don't like egg hunts because they are entirely savage and unfair to little kids, I did enjoy watching them run like crazy for plastic eggs.

I'm really hoping for my sake (and the sake of my poor therapist) that I can stay like this. I'm hoping next Easter I can say that it was better than this one. And I'm hoping part of it being better is cause we'll have a tiny little baby to share it with (cross your fingers!) But I mostly hope it sticks because depression really sucks, and I don't want a sucky kind of life, I want a good life.


Oh, and if you're wondering, what is frustration without anger called? Struggle.