An auntie again hits close to home

When I married my husband six and a half years ago I married into a very large family. While in my family there were only four children, Alex came for a family with eight children. I'm the second oldest and Alex is third from the bottom and last of the boys. So when I married in I inherited over a dozen nieces and nephews. Since then over half a dozen have been born. I love, love, love all my nieces and nephews on Alex's side of the family, especially all the new babies. 

But when my sister had her first child a year ago it was very different than any of my other nieces and nephews births. I don't know if it's because it's my own blood relative or the fact that I can see many of my family traits, many of my traits, in my niece, but something about it got me more excited than before and felt uniquely different. 

Yesterday my sister announced that they are having another baby. Again, I became extatic and I got that wonderful feeling. But then something else hit. I felt like time was going to fast, my sister already nine weeks into her second pregnancy while I had been spending six years trying to get one. Time seeming to go fast actually isn't any different than when many of my friends and family start having their second, third and even fourth child. Except, like feeling the birth of my biological niece felt different from the ones I had inherited through marriage, this felt different. 

I have always been okay with other people around me announcing their pregnancy. Even when they tip toe around me I always tell them that it's ok to tell me their wonderful news because that means I get to hold more babies. But for some reason my sister's happy news felt different. I don't want my sister or anyone else to think that I'm not happy or excited that my sister is having another baby, because I am. I really really am. I can't wait to start spoiling that baby! 

That feeling though... I don't know if it's because I feel like I'm losing the race, or I feel like I got the biological short end of the stick, but I felt that my sister's news was terrible because I wasn't even close to being capable of getting pregnant. 

This isn't true though. I felt awful after I had that thought. My sister bringing another child into the world isn't terrible  or aomething to feel guilty about, it's a wonderful, happy and sacred event. All these years that I've told people it's ok that they tell us about their exciting news and here I was in my head thinking it wasn't ok that she had another baby. 

However, these thoughts were pretty fleeting. Even as I'm writing this I don't have them anymore. But it was so strange to feel that way. And I don't understand why I felt that way with my sister and not the hundreds (yes I used to keep count) of other friends and family that have been popping out babies like crazy the past six years. And I don't understand why I never felt this way when my sister's first child was born. Maybe it is a combination of hitting too close to home and l a race against biology and time. I don't know. 

I would like my sister to know that even though I had that thought for a split second, that's not how I feel and after experiencing this it's not going to happen  again. Not because I feel bad for having the thought, but because I genuinely do not believe that. I do not believe that one baby's life is worth more another. Having lost four babies I, of all people, should understand the worth of a life, and I do and I hope to never have this thought ever again with anyone whether it be friends or family or complete strangers.