My best friend is my "Tyson"

A dear friend of mine shared an inspiring, sad, but lovely story with a group of high school students. It was the story if her worst relationship with a boy. The boy's name was Tyson. To shorten the story Tyson was emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling and very moody. As she shared the details of this experience that ended up with her breaking up with Tyson and getting out of a very bad relationship (then on a happy note meeting her future husband), I could not believe the similarities of her relationship between her and Tyson, and my relationship with my formerly best friend. 

Everything had become so clear as I listened to her story and realized how I needed to respond to my best friend who had given me an ultimatum one day before Christmas: change or we can no longer be friends. And to the question that has been floating in my head for a long time now (and probably hers)- Are we still (close) friends?- I finally have a level headed answer for her:

No.

We can't. You were right, our relationship has changed. I've come to the realization that we have been emotionally abusing each other since day one. Yes, we were great friends. Yes we made some awesome memories. Yes I love you more than just like a sister. Yes you will always be a friend to me. Yes, I will always remember you fondly. But we had our problems. 

I know that I can be flippant at times and not think before I speak, and often be brutally honest. I know that I've hurt you with my words, even though I honestly don't know or remember what words they were. I am imperfect. I am weak. So weak that I could not say no every time you asked if I wanted to go out to lunch and silently watch as you ended up paying for it. I took you for granted when we would go shopping and you'd offer me to buy me a piece if clothing. I never wrote you cards on your birthday like you do or give you presents on holidays (although I had started making many, but never finished). I'm forgetful and just never learned to do it that way, so in my weakness I never formed the habit. I gained in temporary things where you did not since I am weak and always very poor. 

It was very unbalanced relationship. And it is my fault. And yours. There are so many faults that you have, dear friend, but I'm not going to name them. Not because it makes me better, not to point it out and then not back up my claim. But, because for every thing I felt you did wrong in our relationship, I forgave you. But they still hurt me. You would not believe how many times I cried over something you did that hurt me or how annoyed I was by your choices or how frustrated I was when you didn't understand. So you see, this isn't a one way street. There was effort in your part that was needed too.

One thing I did right in our relationship was to look passed the bad and only see the good in you. If I had not this relationship wouldn't have gotten passed the first day. Do you remember that day? Should I be grateful or hateful for that first time I looked passed your first impression of me? Which ever should've been the right response, I'm grateful. But still things could have been better on your part.

I'm sorry I made you so unhappy and I'm sorry that I never made you aware of how I felt. So no, we can no longer be the close friends we were. Why? Because we can't go on hurting each other like this. It's not healthy or helpful. I can't change my ways over night and neither can you. I'm very sure that you would have a better chance changing your ways before I do, but I can't ask you to change when I can't or am not ready too. 

Someday, maybe we'll come back to what we had and pick up where we left off except as better people. Maybe we'll be old ladies together like we used to joke about. Maybe at that point we won't care what mistakes we make since we're old and dying and there's not much else to do. 

But for now and the next many years we need to go back to school and learn how to be real friends because I am your "Tyson" as much as you are mine.