Let's be honest: how I should be inactive but why I am not

Last night I watched this video which I encourage everyone- non member or member to watch-

http://www.whymormonsquestion.org/2013/07/21/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

I sat there, as John Dehlin spoke, learning the truth of why the majority of people who leave the church really leave the church I could count on more than two hands the similarities I had with those people. So why am I still active in a church that can't explain the claims mentioned in this video? Well we'll have to start from the very beginning.

The Life of a Mormon Girl from Illinois

I was born into the church in the heart of Utah. At less than six months old my family moved to Illinois and I've lived here ever since. If you've lived in Utah your entire life and you suddenly up and move to Illinois you'll experience culture shock. The difference is so extreme you could compare it to the difference of the city of Enoch and Sodom and Gomorrah (not that I think either places or its people are as righteous or evil as those cities.) Growing up in Illinois I was sheltered like most Mormon children. When I was eight I got baptized like most Mormon children. And, like some of us, I had no idea what I was doing. I knew that my parents wanted me to be baptized and I recognized that, according to the church, this is what you did. I had no testimony or understanding of the church. It wasn't the fact that I doubted any part of the church, more of the fact that I didn't know how to have a testimony or recognize it. I was completely oblivious to how things worked in the world and in the church.

As a teen I had limited spiritual growth. At this point I was sliding through life living off the trust of others' testimonies. That doesn't mean I didn't experience bouts of spirituality. I spent my entire teenage life secretly depressed, so I did on occasion try to understand my place in the world and who I was. In the church they teach you the purpose of life and that you are a child of God. Honestly in all my years of knowing this I still don't understand it. Not because I'm skeptical but because I literally physically can not comprehend why being a child of God should change my understanding of who I am. No matter how people have explained it, the connections in my brain do not comprehend it. I imagine it would be a lot like trying to describe to a blind person what color is. It's just not comprehensible to them.

On occasion I did feel the spirit and I did try to have a testimony of certain things like prayer, Joseph Smith, the scriptures, etc. I even wrote them in my journal. But going back and reading about them and remembering the experience I never felt the spirit again about them. Again I wasn't skeptical, I wasn't doubting. Something in my brain just wasn't connecting properly allowing me to comprehend, relate, or remember my relationship with the spirit.

After graduating from high school I entered a period of enlightenment. I learned new whacky ideas and new basic facts about the history of the church and the scriptures that I had never heard before, all from active members of the church through Institute and Sunday school in the singles' ward. The feeling of being able to understand something that wasn't spiritually based, but was actually physically based (as physical as historical facts can get) was phenomenal. I felt that I had learned in great leaps and bounds more than I ever had in the first eighteen years of my life. I realised then that I was heavily a factual comprehender. Things that were fact and could be validly proven I could understand. (If I was smart enough I would have gone into a science field and have excelled very well because everything makes sense in science.)

At 20 I married my husband, Alex, who is himself a walking encyclopedia. Whenever I had a question I asked him. Alex is very open minded and flexible when it comes to theology so from his influence my beliefs also have changed. 

The Tug

Despite my inability to somehow spiritually grow my entire life something stuck. Something inside me that keeps tugging at me, like a cord around my abdomen that's pulling and tugging me in a sure fire direction, towards what the church offers in the end game and no matter what happens on this earth, this is the direction I must go. I might understand very little about the scriptures or the church's history, the people in the church may not be perfect, but this is the highest path to get where I want to be in the end. And no matter what I believe comes after this life or what anyone else believes, the tug that I feel guarantees that this is the best possible path to be on. Not everyone feels this way about the Mormon church, and sometimes people start out believing that way then go inactive, which is why I've shared John's presentation. Why have I not gone inactive when so many things don't add up for me? It's that rope tugging inside me. It's also something I've learned about my relationship with God and my relationship with man.

Love Them, Love Them, Love Them
I was very inspired with John's presentation and I've added his love them, love them, love them montra to my book of knowledge. His presentation has reminded me of a few other things I've learned- if this all seems familiar to you, keep in mind I was never good at soaking in knowledge growing up-  that have kept me close to the church.

I've learned my relationship with God is not defined by the culture, jargon or members of the church. Why? As well intentioned as these aspects of the church may be, it still comes out crooked. No matter how good the intention of- let's say a member of the church- the product of their efforts still can come out wrong (kind of like me and how I speak before I think and end up putting my foot in my mouth afterwards).

For such a social species of animal, humans suck at communicating even on the most basic level; and we judge others' every tiny, minute interaction with each other unintentionally. We are suspicious of what always lies in between the lines. We worry so much about that one tiny detail that we totally miss the point of being social animals. In the wild, a scientist would say that the two tell-tale signs of a social creature is that they get along with others in their species and they share a bond, whether it be for family or common cause. I've noticed lately in the church (and out but we'll just focus on in the church) that we fight so much with each other about everything from culture to doctrine, policy to interpretation that we completely forget why we're on this path. We're so worried about how to handle people in the church and nonmembers that we forget the two greatest commandments given to us by God: 

Mathew Chapter 12
36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt ^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy ^cmind.

 38 This is the first and great ^acommandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt ^alove thy neighbour as thyself.

 40 On these two commandments hang all the ^alaw and the prophets.

God's greatest commandment is love. No person living on this planet is perfect. Not even our beloved Prophets. Sometimes people may say or do stupid or doctrinally incorrect things but they are human just like us and they make mistakes too. Why are we not loving these people? Many of these mistakes or misunderstandings that Joseph Smith made are mentioned in the video above. Why do we love him and not those who feel cheated, misunderstood, lost? Most of us understand what this commandment means, but again, some of us get stuck on that one tiny little thing that blocks us from remembering that second greatest commandment. We forget that it doesn't matter what that person does or do or who they are, we are supposed to love them. I love that John Dehlin in his video presentation says "love them, love them, love them". It doesn't matter if they're members in the church but maybe they're more radical thinkers for Ordain Mormon Women movement, or if they've left the church for reasons like what John's presentation is about. It doesn't matter if they're gay, or black or hate the church (these are are just examples of issues in the church present and past), we are commanded by God to love them, love them, love them. 

Why is the church so silent about so many social/political issues and even their own history? Because that's not the point. It doesn't matter what whacked out stuff Joseph Smith might have done, it doesn't matter if women have the priesthood or not, it doesn't matter if the government legalizes same sex marriage. Every church policy and doctrine is or was in place to get us to our ultimate goal- the whole reason for our existence in this mortal world- to learn, grow, gain experience to become like God (as far as those who put them in place understand God's commandment of loving everyone). This occasionally leads people to mistake the "greater good" for love. "Greater good" being a concept in history that most of the time doesn't work in practice. Understanding that those in power are trying to do the best they can and understanding that sometimes wires get crossed in communication is key to forgiving people and staying on track to the path we're on. This is yet another reason that I'm still active, because I'm able to recognize this key component. 

Why am I still a member of the church? It's not only that tug, it's the the fact that I'm capable of forgiving others. Not forgiving them for something they did directly to me, but forgiving every one of them for being human. Do I still find some people to be prudes, annoying, dangerous, creepy, even different from me? Yes. I'm not perfect, I'm far from it, and like many of us in this world, I'm trying to better myself. But the last thing I'm going to do is purposely make one of God's other children feel like crap and not worth squat. John Dehlin's message of love them, love them, love them emulates to a T God's greatest commandment. A commandment not meant just for us to love those in the church, but those outside the church, especially those who may be harder to love like those mentioned in John's presentation, like our LGB brothers and sisters, like any one in any other religion or belief.