But despite my rock bottom holiday I did get to meet my new nephew and see my niece again. Babies always make things better- unless they're pooing sky high, then I am out of there! I also got to see a good friend of mine's new baby girl. And then i got the baby blues. I really should have expected it seeing how down I've been, but then I was too distracted by my best girl friend dumping me and being in that pit of dispair to notice.
Once the shock of my best friend's revelation wore off, the baby blues hit. And then came tumbling down my self esteem with it. So through the holidays, family visits, sickness, and bad news I've been wallowing in the biggest mud puddle of self pity that I haven't been in in a long time.
I rack myself with guilt about everything. The biggest is, what kind of friend am I that would make my best friend of ten plus years dump me because I wasn't putting my share into the friendship? And then I realized, I'm doing the same exact thing with my marriage as I do my friendships, so am I failing as a wife too? And then that age old reminder that I can't bare children and so yes I am sucking as a wife. And to add, going over to my parents only to sink deeper and deeper into an unmovable lump as my sister and her husband berate me for not helping my parents. Don't they know that their words make it harder and harder to get up and help? I become more frozen and unresponsive to their commands than if they had just shut up and let my mother ask for help?
So deep down in a pit I've gone that my usual method of playing games with my family to perk me up fails. That I pretend to sleep, nose buried in the couch, as I listen to my family call my grandma wondering if she slipped me some Benadryl.
I completely shut down.
And now tonight I sit here in bed, after reading my scriptures and saying prayers, and I remember how badly I just want a baby girl or boy, as I think about when I can start teaching my children to say their prayers. Imagining watching them fold their small little arms as they get used to the habit. And then the tears start coming.
Yes, someday I will have children. Someday I will have tears of joy. Someday I will no longer feel so depressed. Someday I might mend some relationships. But today, no matter what words you say to me, I only have tears of sadness, and that's all right. There is a time and a season for everything and this is my season of depression, it's just a very long season.
Thank you for sharing such raw and uncomfortable feelings. I don't know if it helps you work through the sorrows to do so, but helps me with mine. Waiting for children is awful and I won't pretend to understand your situation. But if ever you want to help me with Toria, you have but to ask :)
ReplyDeleteGretch, I've had way too many friends deal with not having children. I literally don't know what to say, how to say, anything that will make it better. I've just come to realize that nothing but a baby will fill that void. I am truly very sorry. I hope that nothing I've done or said has hurt you (especially when it comes to children). I have spent many, many, many hours praying and crying for the loss that my friends must feel. I too have been dealing with a small bout of depression. It appears to just be the "baby blues" that have not gone away yet, and I had no idea how crippling it can be. I hope that as you pray, Heavenly Father will bless you with ideas to help. For me it has come in the forms of being creative, exercise, blogging, and getting more sleep. If there is anything you can think of that I could do to help you, please let me know. I hope you know that I sincerely want to help, if I can.
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