I don't know what's next

This week was my birthday. Most people at my age know what they want to do with their life. Many of them are already doing it. They've gone to school, have careers, started families. I've done the same- except a path that should take a life time took me less than ten years. I've been to school, got a degree, got married, owned two businesses, bankrupt one and personally us, had my dream job, sent four babies to heaven, and now I am "retired" and living the life of a "poor starving artist", and serving as much as I am capable in the church.

But I'm only 26. I still have most likely 3/4 of my life to live and I have no idea what to do with myself. What I want more than anything in life is to be a stay at home mom, but that's currently not an option (although with a new rabbit in the house it might as well be an option). I'm not working except for a few commission jobs here and there, and I don't really want to work. I wouldn't mind going back to school, but financially and geographically,  it's impossible at the moment, even if I was working I still couldn't financially afford school. I don't even know what I would want to go in to (I have a degree in graphic design but not sure if I want to get a higher degree in that). Everyday I sit at home painting and illustrating, playing with my rabbits, and I serve in the Relief Society presidency. 

I feel this overwhelming guilt that I'm not being a more productive member of society. I feel if I'm not actively doing something productive that I'm failing my role in society. In all reality I'd rather spend my days away from the pressures of society, living a simple life doing art all day, so I don't know where this guilt comes from. I don't even know if it's normal to feel this way. I realize I still have time to figure out what I want to do in life, but besides being a mother, I have no real desires in my life. I know that sounds really pathetic, and I agree, but even before I learned how hard it was for us to have children and my desire to have children became stronger, I've always been a little wishy washy on what I want out of life. I'm 26 years old and I feel like an 18 year old straight out of high school with no life road map. I don't know where this next year will take me, I hope that I can become a mother, but if not I guess I'll be doing the same shindig as last year. Let's hope that better things are coming my way.

Let's be honest: how I should be inactive but why I am not

Last night I watched this video which I encourage everyone- non member or member to watch-

http://www.whymormonsquestion.org/2013/07/21/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

I sat there, as John Dehlin spoke, learning the truth of why the majority of people who leave the church really leave the church I could count on more than two hands the similarities I had with those people. So why am I still active in a church that can't explain the claims mentioned in this video? Well we'll have to start from the very beginning.

The Life of a Mormon Girl from Illinois

I was born into the church in the heart of Utah. At less than six months old my family moved to Illinois and I've lived here ever since. If you've lived in Utah your entire life and you suddenly up and move to Illinois you'll experience culture shock. The difference is so extreme you could compare it to the difference of the city of Enoch and Sodom and Gomorrah (not that I think either places or its people are as righteous or evil as those cities.) Growing up in Illinois I was sheltered like most Mormon children. When I was eight I got baptized like most Mormon children. And, like some of us, I had no idea what I was doing. I knew that my parents wanted me to be baptized and I recognized that, according to the church, this is what you did. I had no testimony or understanding of the church. It wasn't the fact that I doubted any part of the church, more of the fact that I didn't know how to have a testimony or recognize it. I was completely oblivious to how things worked in the world and in the church.

As a teen I had limited spiritual growth. At this point I was sliding through life living off the trust of others' testimonies. That doesn't mean I didn't experience bouts of spirituality. I spent my entire teenage life secretly depressed, so I did on occasion try to understand my place in the world and who I was. In the church they teach you the purpose of life and that you are a child of God. Honestly in all my years of knowing this I still don't understand it. Not because I'm skeptical but because I literally physically can not comprehend why being a child of God should change my understanding of who I am. No matter how people have explained it, the connections in my brain do not comprehend it. I imagine it would be a lot like trying to describe to a blind person what color is. It's just not comprehensible to them.

On occasion I did feel the spirit and I did try to have a testimony of certain things like prayer, Joseph Smith, the scriptures, etc. I even wrote them in my journal. But going back and reading about them and remembering the experience I never felt the spirit again about them. Again I wasn't skeptical, I wasn't doubting. Something in my brain just wasn't connecting properly allowing me to comprehend, relate, or remember my relationship with the spirit.

After graduating from high school I entered a period of enlightenment. I learned new whacky ideas and new basic facts about the history of the church and the scriptures that I had never heard before, all from active members of the church through Institute and Sunday school in the singles' ward. The feeling of being able to understand something that wasn't spiritually based, but was actually physically based (as physical as historical facts can get) was phenomenal. I felt that I had learned in great leaps and bounds more than I ever had in the first eighteen years of my life. I realised then that I was heavily a factual comprehender. Things that were fact and could be validly proven I could understand. (If I was smart enough I would have gone into a science field and have excelled very well because everything makes sense in science.)

At 20 I married my husband, Alex, who is himself a walking encyclopedia. Whenever I had a question I asked him. Alex is very open minded and flexible when it comes to theology so from his influence my beliefs also have changed. 

The Tug

Despite my inability to somehow spiritually grow my entire life something stuck. Something inside me that keeps tugging at me, like a cord around my abdomen that's pulling and tugging me in a sure fire direction, towards what the church offers in the end game and no matter what happens on this earth, this is the direction I must go. I might understand very little about the scriptures or the church's history, the people in the church may not be perfect, but this is the highest path to get where I want to be in the end. And no matter what I believe comes after this life or what anyone else believes, the tug that I feel guarantees that this is the best possible path to be on. Not everyone feels this way about the Mormon church, and sometimes people start out believing that way then go inactive, which is why I've shared John's presentation. Why have I not gone inactive when so many things don't add up for me? It's that rope tugging inside me. It's also something I've learned about my relationship with God and my relationship with man.

Love Them, Love Them, Love Them
I was very inspired with John's presentation and I've added his love them, love them, love them montra to my book of knowledge. His presentation has reminded me of a few other things I've learned- if this all seems familiar to you, keep in mind I was never good at soaking in knowledge growing up-  that have kept me close to the church.

I've learned my relationship with God is not defined by the culture, jargon or members of the church. Why? As well intentioned as these aspects of the church may be, it still comes out crooked. No matter how good the intention of- let's say a member of the church- the product of their efforts still can come out wrong (kind of like me and how I speak before I think and end up putting my foot in my mouth afterwards).

For such a social species of animal, humans suck at communicating even on the most basic level; and we judge others' every tiny, minute interaction with each other unintentionally. We are suspicious of what always lies in between the lines. We worry so much about that one tiny detail that we totally miss the point of being social animals. In the wild, a scientist would say that the two tell-tale signs of a social creature is that they get along with others in their species and they share a bond, whether it be for family or common cause. I've noticed lately in the church (and out but we'll just focus on in the church) that we fight so much with each other about everything from culture to doctrine, policy to interpretation that we completely forget why we're on this path. We're so worried about how to handle people in the church and nonmembers that we forget the two greatest commandments given to us by God: 

Mathew Chapter 12
36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt ^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy ^cmind.

 38 This is the first and great ^acommandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt ^alove thy neighbour as thyself.

 40 On these two commandments hang all the ^alaw and the prophets.

God's greatest commandment is love. No person living on this planet is perfect. Not even our beloved Prophets. Sometimes people may say or do stupid or doctrinally incorrect things but they are human just like us and they make mistakes too. Why are we not loving these people? Many of these mistakes or misunderstandings that Joseph Smith made are mentioned in the video above. Why do we love him and not those who feel cheated, misunderstood, lost? Most of us understand what this commandment means, but again, some of us get stuck on that one tiny little thing that blocks us from remembering that second greatest commandment. We forget that it doesn't matter what that person does or do or who they are, we are supposed to love them. I love that John Dehlin in his video presentation says "love them, love them, love them". It doesn't matter if they're members in the church but maybe they're more radical thinkers for Ordain Mormon Women movement, or if they've left the church for reasons like what John's presentation is about. It doesn't matter if they're gay, or black or hate the church (these are are just examples of issues in the church present and past), we are commanded by God to love them, love them, love them. 

Why is the church so silent about so many social/political issues and even their own history? Because that's not the point. It doesn't matter what whacked out stuff Joseph Smith might have done, it doesn't matter if women have the priesthood or not, it doesn't matter if the government legalizes same sex marriage. Every church policy and doctrine is or was in place to get us to our ultimate goal- the whole reason for our existence in this mortal world- to learn, grow, gain experience to become like God (as far as those who put them in place understand God's commandment of loving everyone). This occasionally leads people to mistake the "greater good" for love. "Greater good" being a concept in history that most of the time doesn't work in practice. Understanding that those in power are trying to do the best they can and understanding that sometimes wires get crossed in communication is key to forgiving people and staying on track to the path we're on. This is yet another reason that I'm still active, because I'm able to recognize this key component. 

Why am I still a member of the church? It's not only that tug, it's the the fact that I'm capable of forgiving others. Not forgiving them for something they did directly to me, but forgiving every one of them for being human. Do I still find some people to be prudes, annoying, dangerous, creepy, even different from me? Yes. I'm not perfect, I'm far from it, and like many of us in this world, I'm trying to better myself. But the last thing I'm going to do is purposely make one of God's other children feel like crap and not worth squat. John Dehlin's message of love them, love them, love them emulates to a T God's greatest commandment. A commandment not meant just for us to love those in the church, but those outside the church, especially those who may be harder to love like those mentioned in John's presentation, like our LGB brothers and sisters, like any one in any other religion or belief.

My best friend is my "Tyson"

A dear friend of mine shared an inspiring, sad, but lovely story with a group of high school students. It was the story if her worst relationship with a boy. The boy's name was Tyson. To shorten the story Tyson was emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling and very moody. As she shared the details of this experience that ended up with her breaking up with Tyson and getting out of a very bad relationship (then on a happy note meeting her future husband), I could not believe the similarities of her relationship between her and Tyson, and my relationship with my formerly best friend. 

Everything had become so clear as I listened to her story and realized how I needed to respond to my best friend who had given me an ultimatum one day before Christmas: change or we can no longer be friends. And to the question that has been floating in my head for a long time now (and probably hers)- Are we still (close) friends?- I finally have a level headed answer for her:

No.

We can't. You were right, our relationship has changed. I've come to the realization that we have been emotionally abusing each other since day one. Yes, we were great friends. Yes we made some awesome memories. Yes I love you more than just like a sister. Yes you will always be a friend to me. Yes, I will always remember you fondly. But we had our problems. 

I know that I can be flippant at times and not think before I speak, and often be brutally honest. I know that I've hurt you with my words, even though I honestly don't know or remember what words they were. I am imperfect. I am weak. So weak that I could not say no every time you asked if I wanted to go out to lunch and silently watch as you ended up paying for it. I took you for granted when we would go shopping and you'd offer me to buy me a piece if clothing. I never wrote you cards on your birthday like you do or give you presents on holidays (although I had started making many, but never finished). I'm forgetful and just never learned to do it that way, so in my weakness I never formed the habit. I gained in temporary things where you did not since I am weak and always very poor. 

It was very unbalanced relationship. And it is my fault. And yours. There are so many faults that you have, dear friend, but I'm not going to name them. Not because it makes me better, not to point it out and then not back up my claim. But, because for every thing I felt you did wrong in our relationship, I forgave you. But they still hurt me. You would not believe how many times I cried over something you did that hurt me or how annoyed I was by your choices or how frustrated I was when you didn't understand. So you see, this isn't a one way street. There was effort in your part that was needed too.

One thing I did right in our relationship was to look passed the bad and only see the good in you. If I had not this relationship wouldn't have gotten passed the first day. Do you remember that day? Should I be grateful or hateful for that first time I looked passed your first impression of me? Which ever should've been the right response, I'm grateful. But still things could have been better on your part.

I'm sorry I made you so unhappy and I'm sorry that I never made you aware of how I felt. So no, we can no longer be the close friends we were. Why? Because we can't go on hurting each other like this. It's not healthy or helpful. I can't change my ways over night and neither can you. I'm very sure that you would have a better chance changing your ways before I do, but I can't ask you to change when I can't or am not ready too. 

Someday, maybe we'll come back to what we had and pick up where we left off except as better people. Maybe we'll be old ladies together like we used to joke about. Maybe at that point we won't care what mistakes we make since we're old and dying and there's not much else to do. 

But for now and the next many years we need to go back to school and learn how to be real friends because I am your "Tyson" as much as you are mine.

Depression is the reason for the season

So I've been kind of a bum updating over the holidays with some happy stories. I'm going to be honest my depression is the reason. If you have or ever have suffered from depression then you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes mine gets so bad that I don't do anything all day. That's how it's been over the holidays and certain family members visiting don't help the situation. 

But despite my rock bottom holiday I did get to meet my new nephew and see my niece again. Babies always make things better- unless they're pooing sky high, then I am out of there! I also got to see a good friend of mine's new baby girl. And then i got the baby blues. I really should have expected it seeing how down I've been, but then I was too distracted by my best girl friend dumping me and being in that pit of dispair to notice. 

Once the shock of my best friend's revelation wore off, the baby blues hit. And then came tumbling down my self esteem with it. So through the holidays, family visits, sickness, and bad news I've been wallowing in the biggest mud puddle of self pity that I haven't been in in a long time. 

I rack myself with guilt about everything. The biggest is, what kind of friend am I that would make my best friend of ten plus years dump me because I wasn't putting my share into the friendship? And then I realized, I'm doing the same exact thing with my marriage as I do my friendships, so am I failing as a wife too? And then that age old reminder that I can't bare children and so yes I am sucking as a wife. And to add, going over to my parents only to sink deeper and deeper into an unmovable lump as my sister and her husband berate me for not helping my parents. Don't they know that their words make it harder and harder to get up and help? I become more frozen and unresponsive to their commands than if they had just shut up and let my mother ask for help?

So deep down in a pit I've gone that my usual method of playing games with my family to perk me up fails. That I pretend to sleep, nose buried in the couch, as I listen to my family call my grandma wondering if she slipped me some Benadryl. 

I completely shut down.

And now tonight I sit here in bed, after reading my scriptures and saying prayers, and I remember how badly I just want a baby girl or boy, as I think about when I can start teaching my children to say their prayers. Imagining watching them fold their small little arms as they get used to the habit. And then the tears start coming.

Yes, someday I will have children. Someday I will have tears of joy. Someday I will no longer feel so depressed. Someday I might mend some relationships. But today, no matter what words you say to me, I only have tears of sadness, and that's all right. There is a time and a season for everything and this is my season of depression, it's just a very long season.