The true story of life

Well, if you haven't heard our third round of IVF was a complete failure. I thought this would be it- I really hoped this would be the one, but it's not. Unfortunately this was our last round of IVF (insurance won't pay for more). So now everything is in God's hands. In all reality it's kind of relieving. I know that sounds terrible, but putting everything back into God's hands gives me a break. We've tried so hard the past five years to make this happen that to finally have it taken completely into the hands of someone we completely trust releases a huge burden that's been long hanging off our shoulders for a long time.

But, as relieving as it is, I'm still devastated. I watched a cheesy made for TV movie today and the line "anything is possible if you put your mind to it" was repeated several times. What an amazingly uplifting, inspiring line that has really changed the world through thousands of people who have had that mentally engraved into their mind. But for me I feel like that option is gone. No matter how much I put my mind to it, I couldn't make it possible. It feels like a door slammed in my face, or the end of the sidewalk at the edge of a big cliff hovering over nothingness, or like the fates cutting one thread of my destiny out and leaving a stubble that just ends. Ends. Ends. An end of an era. Strangely enough I haven't quite physically emotionally processed this yet. I'm sure the tears and sadness will come eventually. 

Despite there being an end to this story, there is a beginning to a new story. What that story is, I don't know. But I know how it starts. A few weeks back I read a blog which said the true purpose of us coming to this earth is not to have children and multiply and replenish the earth (although that's still a big part of it) but to be tried and tested and endure to the end and return to live with God again. Realizing and having that goal of having children pushed out of the way, I now see this purpose of life in a completely different light. Like a long distance runner who sees the finish line and charges full speed ahead, I see the end. I understand how to get there, and even though my sprint to the finish line is still several decades away, I can see it and I'm running towards it faster than I was before.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my life since the whole becoming a mother just became about a million levels harder to beat. But I now know that whatever trial that life throws at me I can beat. As unreassuring as my future sounds, I feel completely assured that I will overcome it all. 

After battling with infertility for so long Nephi's words have never sounded so clearer than they do now-

     "...I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7)

Despite the loss and disappointment we've faced, I feel refreshed and renewed, reborn. A new strength growing inside me. Maybe God is strengthening for a bigger storm ahead, or maybe he's readying me for the sprint home, either one I feel prepared to take it on.