I just don't get it

A good friend of mine wrote this post

http://mindfullymormon.org/2015/04/02/did-the-church-lie-to-me/

I've been meaning to write something up about the subject of leaving the church because they "lied to me". I have had, of late, a few friends, aquintances or random people tell the world that the are leaving the church for this very reason. As sad as it is for me to lose a spiritual friend I don't get it. 

The reason I don't get it is because they refuse to share their side of the story with me so that I can understand (if you're going to tell the whole world you're leaving, then you'd better be ready to tell the reason behind it to every person who cares about you, it's the courteous thing to do, they care about you after all. If you don't want to tell the story behind it, then don't announce it to the whole world). 

One person said they wouldn't tell me because they didn't want me to fall away from the church. As much as I appreciate the thought, I'm not some soft, tender hearted little child. I'm actually a cold hearted, pessimistic, logically, skeptical, wildly imaginative, stubborn, lazy, granola hipster, I'll understand and I won't undermine your experiences even if I don't agree with it. I'm a fairly nice person to get along with and I know how a bad experience can taint the rest of your life and reliving it or encountering it again can leave a terrible bitter taste in your mouth. I don't want to know so I can ridicule or argue with you about how wrong you are, I want to know because you are my friend or because I find myself in the same life boat and wonder why I didn't jumped ship. 

In the mind of this Mormon

I read yesterday an article from Salon titled "But I'm a good Mormon wife" and a respond article on gentlyhewstone.com. The former article is about an ex Mormon wife sharing her story about how she and her husband ended up leaving the church. The latter article being a response on many misleading errors and uncited facts that the woman stated in her article.

The women, Maren, surprised me. Having previously heard the stories she states in her article, I was surprised how that could be the reason she left the church, but then I realized she lived in Utah. The church culture in Utah is very, very different to the church culture pretty much anywhere else in the world, especially in areas where there are small numbers. 

Having grown up in the Midwest I found growing up Mormon very different than many of my friends in Utah. The first big difference, your neighbors aren't Mormon. The ethnicity is much more divers (especially living in a college town) therefore the culture is much more divers. Tolerance of others beliefs is a skill you have to learn. Sharing the gospel is a lot harder, nobody cares what you're selling unless it aligns with what they want and it is possible to get slapped in the face if you get up in their space. The forbidden words or actions that only the "black sheep" of the family do in Utah happens all the time out here and we still friend them. There is no such thing as social suicide unless you're a sixteen year old girl still in high school. You aren't surprised when several single mothers show up at church dragging all their kids with them just like all the married mothers. When you wait in the pharmacy line at Walmart there will be old people, not sixteen year old girls all with bleach blond hair. If you burst out crying in front of everyone at church, you darn well do not need to worry about what everybody thinks of you're running mascara because no one will notice. You can walk into a bar to drink sodas without being judged. For every word that comes out of you, you will be challenged. Caffeine is not taboo. Neither is herbal tea. Nor are coffee shops.

The hiatus

So I took a loooong hiatus from writing on here, mainly because I really couldn't think of anything good to write. I was obviously not going to be a mother anytime soon and I really wasn't doing anything with my life so there were so stories there. I've literally spent the last nine months and counting on the couch watching reruns of whatever new show Netflix has on. A complete waste of my life but when you have no clue what to do with your life, defaulting to an easy accessible vice doesn't sound as bad as it did three or four years ago. 

Have I learned anything while sitting on the couch which will probably be the death of me? Yeah, I learned a ton. I learned how to cover my tracks if I was a serial killer, I learned how to build a bomb ten different ways if I were a spy, I learned that a special species of plum in Australia could save your good looks, I learned that it's way easier for me to blend my veggies in a smoothie and slurp them up with a straw, I learned what the devil's bible was, and I learned that Norwex has saved my life on several occasions. 

But I still am at that point where I have no clue where I'm going, and that's not changing anytime soon. Am I fine with it? Guilt aside, yes. I'm realizing more and more that despite the pressure from the outside world, I need this time. I need it to discover and shape who I am. I need it to become a better person, even if it means I need a week or two laying on the couch doing nothing or sitting on the couch multi-tasking or a rare day of cleaning the entire house or spending the day making a mess of the kitchen trying to perfect my homemade shampoo recipe.

I realize that I don't function like a normal person, but I don't think like a normal person either or desire to be a normal person. I'm disappointed by the path fate has led me on, but I'd rather take a break now while I still have support from loved ones than later when it may fall on me to pick up the slack. Will that day ever come? I hope it does. I will gladly leave my tv buddy for the opportunity for something new.