As part of our efforts to have children I must undergo laparoscopic surgery to treat any endometriosis in my abdomen. I also have a hystoroscopy to check for any abnormalities in my baby making parts. I've undergone these surgeries before plus quite a few more with IVF cycles. So after having gone under half a dozen times or so in the past two or three years I've learned a few things about me and the wonderful land of surgery.
First of all, do not put me on morphine! Not only am I incredibly loopy afterwards, (although some of us do miss that experience) the hamburger I desire will no longer be desirable when I throw it up on you. I learned the hard way that me and morphine can't be friends. However, any other pain meds they pump into my iv are definitely my best friends! Instead of waking up loopy I wake up pretty lucid, and instead of yelling profanities at an invisible crustacean nurse I can properly say (sometimes angrily, I don't know why, I just wake up mad) "pain, pain, pain!!!!!!" Until the poor nurse ups the meds pulsing through my iv.
Drugs make me feel wonderful. I love drugs. I am not addicted to drugs, I do not use them than otherwise prescribed. But, some drugs make me feel blissful, especially after surgery drugs. When I get home I pop a couple in and lay on the couch like the happiest couch potato you've ever seen. My allergy medicine gives me the same effect sometimes. And sometimes if I'm coming down with a cold my body will self medicate itself and give me that feeling. It's quite a dreamy feeling.
I don't mind hospitals. It may just be the outpatient surgery section of the hospital, but I don't have a problem with it. There's no smell, it's not drafty, and it doesn't feel all germy to me- which is saying quite a bit for a germaphobe.
The nurses are all really nice. Even the worst nurse there is still decent. This last surgery I had a nurse who was training a new nurse. She's probably the most interesting nurse as of yet. She was very thorough in everything she did as she explained to the new nurse. Very thorough, I now know how the system works. The nurses who work in recovery are brave. They have to put up with raving, drugged lunatics like me who want more drugs and more drugs till the pain goes all fuzzy and then disappears. I have to say, if I'm not loopy when I wake up then I'm angry. The one exception to this case is when I woke up after a surgery, completely clear headed, free of pain and drugs, and- dare I say happy? Yup, I was a freak. The nurses stared at me, they kept asking me over and over if I was in pain and needed the drugs. Then with a smile I would happily respond, "no thank you." I swear, the way the nurses were looking at me you'd think I was a creepy talking Chucky doll!
However, the next best thing in recovery after the slap happy meds- the food! This may sound a little odd. If anyone has ever had hospital food I'm sure they would rate it lower than a five on a scale of one to ten. And if anyone has been in out patient surgery you'd say the food is pretty much non existent. But, when you just spent the last 36 hours on a liquid, Miralax cleanse for surgery, having no solid or unclear food, and an intubation tube stuck down your throat the little amount of food you get is a divine miracle! Vanilla pudding has never tasted so good until it hits your parched taste buds and slithers down your dried out sore throat. It makes you giddy. You also get crackers. I've gotten saltines, grahams, and even Teddy Grahams! Doesn't sound gourmet but omg I asked for three bags of Teddy Grahams! And then there's juice. Normally I would never go for grape juice, it's too sweet for me, but this last surgery I asked for it and OMG was my throat singing as it went down! Never before have I wanted two, three, four glasses of grape juice, but after this past surgery I just wanted to stick an iv of it in my arm!
To top it off you get free socks every time you go to the hospital. My first surgery for infertility issues I was recovering and was drugged with morphine. Now those that were there were SWORN TO SECRECY about what happened that day. Let's just say I was loopy. Very loopy. At some point when we were leaving the hospital I had my hospital socks off and demanded that Alex (poor Alex had to dress me) put them on and, because I was loopy, I called them my "alkyhog" socks. Now six, seven surgeries later I can't wait to bring home my alkyhog socks! I've got quite a collection building up.
All around, when having surgery I feel so spoiled waited on hand and foot that I forget all about the fact that I get filleted and burned. I know it sounds weird, but hey, when you have to have as many surgeries as I have you might as well enjoy it!
