In the mind of this Mormon

I read yesterday an article from Salon titled "But I'm a good Mormon wife" and a respond article on gentlyhewstone.com. The former article is about an ex Mormon wife sharing her story about how she and her husband ended up leaving the church. The latter article being a response on many misleading errors and uncited facts that the woman stated in her article.

The women, Maren, surprised me. Having previously heard the stories she states in her article, I was surprised how that could be the reason she left the church, but then I realized she lived in Utah. The church culture in Utah is very, very different to the church culture pretty much anywhere else in the world, especially in areas where there are small numbers. 

Having grown up in the Midwest I found growing up Mormon very different than many of my friends in Utah. The first big difference, your neighbors aren't Mormon. The ethnicity is much more divers (especially living in a college town) therefore the culture is much more divers. Tolerance of others beliefs is a skill you have to learn. Sharing the gospel is a lot harder, nobody cares what you're selling unless it aligns with what they want and it is possible to get slapped in the face if you get up in their space. The forbidden words or actions that only the "black sheep" of the family do in Utah happens all the time out here and we still friend them. There is no such thing as social suicide unless you're a sixteen year old girl still in high school. You aren't surprised when several single mothers show up at church dragging all their kids with them just like all the married mothers. When you wait in the pharmacy line at Walmart there will be old people, not sixteen year old girls all with bleach blond hair. If you burst out crying in front of everyone at church, you darn well do not need to worry about what everybody thinks of you're running mascara because no one will notice. You can walk into a bar to drink sodas without being judged. For every word that comes out of you, you will be challenged. Caffeine is not taboo. Neither is herbal tea. Nor are coffee shops.

The hiatus

So I took a loooong hiatus from writing on here, mainly because I really couldn't think of anything good to write. I was obviously not going to be a mother anytime soon and I really wasn't doing anything with my life so there were so stories there. I've literally spent the last nine months and counting on the couch watching reruns of whatever new show Netflix has on. A complete waste of my life but when you have no clue what to do with your life, defaulting to an easy accessible vice doesn't sound as bad as it did three or four years ago. 

Have I learned anything while sitting on the couch which will probably be the death of me? Yeah, I learned a ton. I learned how to cover my tracks if I was a serial killer, I learned how to build a bomb ten different ways if I were a spy, I learned that a special species of plum in Australia could save your good looks, I learned that it's way easier for me to blend my veggies in a smoothie and slurp them up with a straw, I learned what the devil's bible was, and I learned that Norwex has saved my life on several occasions. 

But I still am at that point where I have no clue where I'm going, and that's not changing anytime soon. Am I fine with it? Guilt aside, yes. I'm realizing more and more that despite the pressure from the outside world, I need this time. I need it to discover and shape who I am. I need it to become a better person, even if it means I need a week or two laying on the couch doing nothing or sitting on the couch multi-tasking or a rare day of cleaning the entire house or spending the day making a mess of the kitchen trying to perfect my homemade shampoo recipe.

I realize that I don't function like a normal person, but I don't think like a normal person either or desire to be a normal person. I'm disappointed by the path fate has led me on, but I'd rather take a break now while I still have support from loved ones than later when it may fall on me to pick up the slack. Will that day ever come? I hope it does. I will gladly leave my tv buddy for the opportunity for something new.

My thoughts: the definition of marriage and family

Ok I don't usually care to read up on debates about marriage and homosexuals and feminists and the threatened family so I'm not a huge expert on the subject, but, I'm a Mormon and believe in the importance of marriage and family, and I think this article-->  http://thefederalist.com/2014/04/09/bait-and-switch-how-same-sex-marriage-ends-marriage-and-family-autonomy/#.U5e6SZPjDN4.facebook

is completely ridiculous. So I have decided to write down my thoughts. I think people don't understand that the definition of marriage and family is different politically, socially, and religiously. 

Politically marriage IS A CONTRACT as is a civil union where certain legal rights are  lawfully binding. As a legal family unit there are certain rights given whether you're blood related or not. Attacking and narrowing the definition of family really isn't right when you consider people who have to build their family using different means than natural ones like adoption, egg/sperm donation, or surrogacy which is something Alex and I have to consider since we cannot conceive naturally. 

Socially, marriage and family are just words. Words that are defined differently in different social or cultural (including religion) circles. In the history of the US marriage has been defined as between a man and a woman through out most of the country. However a certain religious group (Mormons) expanded marriage to include one legal marriage between a man and a woman and several optional religious marriages between the same man and many other different women. All marriages were legit in the eyes of Mormon society even if only one was legal in the eyes of the state. Mormons may not practice polygamy now, but there are still religious social groups out there that practice this. Their definition of marriage isn't what we'd call traditional marriage.

On the east side of the world, historically it wasn't unheard of for a man to be LEGALLY married to several wives, if not hundreds in the case of royalty. And unlike US culture now many eastern cultures now and historically (historically with the US also) marriage and family for a man was not much more than property and vessels to pass on his seed. 

Back in time before even the concept of modern government and laws were born, unions between a man and a woman were different all over the world depending on the culture of your villiage. Some had religious significance and some were just commitment between the two to stay loyal to each other and offer protection of offspring from the dangers of the time. Even then sometimes the promise of protection wasn't a guaranteed thing especially in societies that sacrificed their own people.

In societies around the world and throughout time the word "family" means your genetic family, your adoptive family, your religious family, your community family, or your family made up of a bunch of orphaned children. Only in the eyes of the law (secular and religious) is the definition of "family" narrowed down. But most of us agree that there is someone not related to us legally or genetically that we consider family. Socially, family has a very large definition.

I can't vouch for the super extremists, but when it looks like the average LGBT supporters want to "abolish" marriage or the women's right activists want to "disassemble" the family, I think they're referring to the equality of the words. "Marriage" and "civil union" may mean the same thing as far as the law is concerned, but they may mean different things socially or religiously. Since the government really shouldn't be messing with either I don't see any harm in using one word, whether it be marriage, civil union, or contract to define the secular legal binding agreement that two individuals enter into. 

Besides most gays and lesbians when they want to marry WANT to be married legally so that they can have the legal benefits. The many that WANT a religious marriage are usually already attending a church that is homosexual friendly and will use that route to marry through. Those who aren't attending a church that supports homosexual marriage or active homosexuality need to decide what's more important to them, the church they go too (along with their beliefs) or a same sex relationship. I say "church" because their are many different denominations in certain religions that do support same sex relationships. But like individuals, religions and their denominations have their freedoms and taking them away is illegal. 

As far as religious institutions, they can define marriage and family however they want, they can choose to marry who they want, and they can choose if they want to marry legally and lawfully in the eyes of the government and/or in the eyes of their god without the government interfering. That's the great thing about our country is that one of the pillars it was built upon was the guarantee of religious freedom with out interference from the government. So there is a difference between legal marriage and religious marriage. The government can do whatever they want to their side as long as it doesn't mess with the freedom of religious establishments. And as long as a religious establishment isn't breaking any laws they can do whatever they want.

When people argue about the subject of marriage and family they need to be more specific by what definition of marriage and family they are referring to, politically, socially, or religiously. The likelihood of the government abolishing "marriage" by the definition of a law binding contract is pretty slim. It would just not make sense and a lot of government programs and private ones would buckle underneath the loss of such a deeply established system. The government will not be abolishing the religious definition of marriage either. It goes against our basic rights and would be very hard to pass. 

I don't honestly understand why, in a free society, women's rights activists are calling for abolishment of families when they are perfectly capable of not creating one or even actively preventing it (I'm not super informed about this). A woman has the freedom to choose whether she wants that or not. Because of my infertility situation (and my beliefs) I find it sad that there are people out there willing to abandon an opportunity for a family. 

But despite whether I think what people decide in their lives is right or wrong, it's not my place to force them. They have their freedoms and their agency, which in the Latter-Day Saint religion (Mormons) having the free agency to choose right from wrong is very important to God's plan. 

As For Me...

EDIT: I changed this last paragraph because I was not thinking due to lack of sleep and did not word it correctly the way I wanted it to be, so I have rewritten it. I'm sorry if my terribly wording upset anyone, that was not my intention.

I believe in marriage between a man and a woman. I believe that there is an eternal importance in the role of a married man and woman even if I can't figure out what it is. I know God has an eternal plan for families after this life even if He hasn't shared ALL the details yet. I know that through the gospel of Jesus Christ, being baptized, and partaking of special ordinances in the right place at the right time, families can be sealed together here on Earth and it will be binding in heaven for eternity. I believe anyone who wants these blessing can get them in this life or the next. I believe that no matter who you are or what faith you belong or don't belong to that there is an eternal deity no matter what you call him (God, Allah, Jehovah, etc), and there is a positive after life that thanks to Jesus and the Atonement (whether you believe in it or not) we all can enter into.

I know that every person on this planet has their struggles. I know some struggles we aren't proud of. But I know for a fact that God doesn't stop loving you because you did something in your life that you or someone else thinks is bad. I know that some circumstances make it extremely difficult to believe in God. But I believe that no matter what you believe or don't believe that you have the freedom and the right to believe it even if somebody else thinks you're wrong. That is the beauty of this country we live in.

A Reminder to Latterday Saints From the Articles of Faith

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

The true story of life

Well, if you haven't heard our third round of IVF was a complete failure. I thought this would be it- I really hoped this would be the one, but it's not. Unfortunately this was our last round of IVF (insurance won't pay for more). So now everything is in God's hands. In all reality it's kind of relieving. I know that sounds terrible, but putting everything back into God's hands gives me a break. We've tried so hard the past five years to make this happen that to finally have it taken completely into the hands of someone we completely trust releases a huge burden that's been long hanging off our shoulders for a long time.

But, as relieving as it is, I'm still devastated. I watched a cheesy made for TV movie today and the line "anything is possible if you put your mind to it" was repeated several times. What an amazingly uplifting, inspiring line that has really changed the world through thousands of people who have had that mentally engraved into their mind. But for me I feel like that option is gone. No matter how much I put my mind to it, I couldn't make it possible. It feels like a door slammed in my face, or the end of the sidewalk at the edge of a big cliff hovering over nothingness, or like the fates cutting one thread of my destiny out and leaving a stubble that just ends. Ends. Ends. An end of an era. Strangely enough I haven't quite physically emotionally processed this yet. I'm sure the tears and sadness will come eventually. 

Despite there being an end to this story, there is a beginning to a new story. What that story is, I don't know. But I know how it starts. A few weeks back I read a blog which said the true purpose of us coming to this earth is not to have children and multiply and replenish the earth (although that's still a big part of it) but to be tried and tested and endure to the end and return to live with God again. Realizing and having that goal of having children pushed out of the way, I now see this purpose of life in a completely different light. Like a long distance runner who sees the finish line and charges full speed ahead, I see the end. I understand how to get there, and even though my sprint to the finish line is still several decades away, I can see it and I'm running towards it faster than I was before.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my life since the whole becoming a mother just became about a million levels harder to beat. But I now know that whatever trial that life throws at me I can beat. As unreassuring as my future sounds, I feel completely assured that I will overcome it all. 

After battling with infertility for so long Nephi's words have never sounded so clearer than they do now-

     "...I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7)

Despite the loss and disappointment we've faced, I feel refreshed and renewed, reborn. A new strength growing inside me. Maybe God is strengthening for a bigger storm ahead, or maybe he's readying me for the sprint home, either one I feel prepared to take it on.

A No Good Very Frustrating Bad Day: To Pee, Or Not To Pee

NOTE: This is a TMI post, so if you're uncomfortable with that, then you should just skip reading this post.

I had an interesting yet very frustrating day today.

This morning I had my base appointment for our next round of IVF. I get an inner ultrasound, fill out some paper work, and establish a schedule for the huge amount of baby making drugs I get to take. Oh, and I forgot that I had to get blood drawn. I had my ultrasound and my baseline. A nurse drew my blood and I thought I was done, but then the PA said I had to go downstairs to the lab and get MORE blood drawn. No big problem right? I get to the lab and check in and the receptionist hands me a pee cup. Great, I had to give a pee sample, an hour after I emptied my bladder for the inner ultrasound?! Not the end of the world, I chugged a bottle of water- a little over 3 cups- waited a few minutes, then went to the bathroom. Nothing happened... Nothing happened. Not a big deal, I chugged another bottle of water, wait a few more minutes, tried to go again. A tiny, tiny, tiny trickle of pee came out, I tried to catch it in the cup, but of course the cup was not designed with females in mind and I missed the cup. I flushed and washed my hands, danced around the bathroom a bit, trying to work the six cups or so of water through my system. Still no luck. I heard the lab tech open the sample cabinet door looking for my sample, boy was he disappointed to find none.

I then heard my name called by one of the phlebotomist. Ah crap. No, literally, crap. I went number two and was completely indisposed when they called my name. I flushed and washed again (and confused the lab tech on the other side of the little metal door again). I tried again, and again and again. 20 minutes later, I heard my name called again. No longer disposed I opened the bathroom door and called to the phlebotomist.

I went with her to get my blood drawn, hoping the extra time would encourage my bladder. Because I already had my blood drawn once already, she had to use my other arm. She poked me and pulled back on the syringe and ironically, nothing came out (of course I would get the new nurse who can't hit a vein on the first stab!) She wiggled the needle around and around (wiggling a needle around underneath your skin is by far the most painful part of getting blood drawn.) So after getting bruised, she decides to stab my already bandaged left arm. That was surprisingly uneventful for having two holes millimeters apart from each other, but then again, instead of putting the wrap on my arms she put the tape, and I HATE the tape.

After she finished she gave me an orange juice to help my bladder, I sat in the waiting room drinking more fluids, and wait and wait and wait. By this time it had been three hours since I last peed, I had had 8 cups of water and a cup of OJ and was still completely bone dry. My ride was almost here, so I decided to go try one more time. And all the events of my first stay in the bathroom happened again. My last attempt I positioned the cup into place but I accidentally knocked it into the toilet. At this point I was incredibly frustrated about this entire disaster, so I gave up. I picked the cup out of the toilet, ripped the label off of it, stuck it in the little brown bag and threw it in the garbage, washed my hands really, really well and walked out. I had had enough! I obviously wasn't going to pee any time soon!

I'm not sure why my bladder got stage fright, but it was incredibly frustrating and annoying, especially with everything else on top of it. This doctor's visit just ranked number one of my worst visits to the doctor's office, beating the time I got stabbed in five different places by three different nurses who couldn't get the catheter needle into any of my veins (I had quite a collection of kid band aids all over me that day!).

That Easter Morn

Cool fact: apparently (meaning I wasn't aware of this) the entire Christian world is celebrating Easter on the same day this year.

I'm not a lover of the "Easter Holiday" with all the eggs, creaptastic Easter Bunny, baby chicks, the pastels and the terribly messy fake grass. I'm not much of a big fan of mixing this (but I am a good sport about it) with what Easter's true meaning is. This shouldn't be too surprising since I feel the same way about Christmas. But something has changed how I feel, not about the gaudy commercialism, but the symbolism. And I'm now going to get gooey, mushy and sappy.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about the grand influence that Jesus has had on the world, which actually came to my mind more than once because I've been re-watching seasons of House M.D. and I just so happened to manage to get into the right season right before Easter (and Mother's Day) where House is dissing God believers left and right, and there's babies being born left and right (which is a real tear jerker for me right around this time because of the losses we've had at this time of year) and people are magically having "virgin" births and people are being raised from the dead. So the subject Jesus and birth and renewal have been creeping a lot on my mind. Despite your religious or non religious view point, despite whether you think Jesus really existed or not, you can't deny the influence he has over the world and through out time.

I don't know what it was about this thought, but it really gave me some comfort. I have to admit, this is probably the best Easter I've had in years and it's all because of the state of mind I've been in. A few days ago I asked on Facebook, what is frustration without anger called? For a very long time I've felt frustrated by my mental state, but not angry. But lately it's improved. I'd like to say that it's improved because I tried very, very hard to make it so, but it's not. Ok, maybe I tried a little, but I really owe a huge chunk to my new happy meds that have broken down some serious large, thick walls, which has in turn, improved my state. And with that I have happier thoughts coming out of my head and I tend to feel the spirit more, and that is key to today being one of the best Easters ever for me.

Feeling the spirit while singing in choir also added to today. I about lost my voice today. This morning I woke up with a sore throat (left the fan on all last might), then, while practicing, the high notes were really hurting. But God spared my voice and I got through half an hour practice, then singing six songs (SIX SONGS! With lots of high notes! If that wasn't a blessing...) I guess I'm lucky though, Becca, who sits next to me, also sang, and gave a talk, and is very pregnant, was feeling a little dizzy from all that sitting up and sitting down! Out of the three songs that only the choir sang, my favorite was "That Easter Morn", it is by far the most beautiful Easter hymn I've ever heard or sang. I really liked singing it because it's in a minor key. I love singing in minor key! It was also great with the organist's changes that really just milked the power an organ has in minor key. But each of the songs gave me goosebumps from head to toe, and I only get goosebumps like that when the spirit is really strong there presently. The primary kids also sang two wonderful numbers as well, and I honestly have never felt the spirit stronger coming from those kids than when they sang today. I know they felt it too because they sang loud, not obnoxious loud which does happen sometimes, but loud like you could see the spirit swell and spill out of them loud. It was amazing.

This is that change. Personally I'm super cynical about everything, and yes even about crappy holiday songs. And I may still not like a few songs, but today there wasn't a cynical bone in my body. Sounds sappy from a pretty down-to-Earth-do-not-show-tender-emotions-girl like me. But I felt it.

If that wasn't sappy enough for you, I went down memory lane too (complete with the glossy eyes and the ever so slight head tilt). I sat in with the primary class I taught two years ago when they were Sunbeams, while Tina taught the Easter lesson. Observing one of the girls, Ava, I remembered when *I* taught the Easter lesson to that group. Ava was so horrified when I explained that because Jesus died for us, we would die and then rise again. She said with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, "I'm going to DIE??" After class her dad picked her up and she told him, "Daddy, my teacher says...I'M GOING TO DIE!" while I was standing right there. Luckily her dad understood and thought it quite funny.

Ok, before you get stuck in that ooey gooeyness, I will admit I was a bit ornery, today.  The primary kids did an outdoor Easter egg hunt today. Three of the girls from an older class (incidentally one of them, Zoe, was the older sister of Ava, and all three of the girls I had in Nursery way back when Alex and I first got married.) came running up to their teacher, Summer, to show their spoils to her. I put out my hand and demanded that each girl pay the egg tax and give me one of their eggs. Zoe pouted and handed me an egg full of jelly beans. Poor sweet Zoe did not realize I was joking until Alyssa told her it was a joke. I did give the egg back. And as much as I don't like egg hunts because they are entirely savage and unfair to little kids, I did enjoy watching them run like crazy for plastic eggs.

I'm really hoping for my sake (and the sake of my poor therapist) that I can stay like this. I'm hoping next Easter I can say that it was better than this one. And I'm hoping part of it being better is cause we'll have a tiny little baby to share it with (cross your fingers!) But I mostly hope it sticks because depression really sucks, and I don't want a sucky kind of life, I want a good life.


Oh, and if you're wondering, what is frustration without anger called? Struggle.

My favorite picture books

These are some of my favorite books from when I was little till now.